Wednesday, November 11, 2009

Walken Prepares Mounties for Trip to Sin City

Inthe midst of a freefall from the top of the division, Christopher Walken is starting early this week. Here we see him kicking off practice this week with a reading about his escapades in Sin City for this weekend.

Monday, November 09, 2009

Week 9 Results


109
Toledo Neanderthal
Pts
Phillip Rivers
33
Frank Gore
26
Maurice Jones-Drew
20
Greg Jennings
9
Andre Johnson
16
Vincent Jackson
20
Kevin Boss
9
Mason Crosby
4
Cardinals
14

89
Moose River Mounties
Pts
Tony Romo
26
Joseph Addai
26
Jonathan Stewart
0
Wes Welker
14
Roy Williams
10
Michael Crabtree
5
Kellen Winslow
15
Kris Brown
7
Steelers
28

132
Athenian Woodchucks
Pts
Kurt Warner
53
Clinton Portis
0
Julius Jones
20
Randy Moss
25
T.J. Houshmandzadeh
14
Donald Driver
15
Bo Scaife
3
John Carney
13
Eagles
14

90
West Virginia Woolfs
Pts
Matt Schaub
27
Chris Johnson
29
LeSean McCoy
14
Marques Colston
4
DeSean Jackson
3
Calvin Johnson
3
Vernon Davis
16
Matt Stover
8
Packers
11

74
Seaside Squid
Pts
Tom Brady
33
Matt Forte
13
Kevin Smith
8
Roddy White
4
Dwayne Bowe
8
Torry Holt
3
Jeremy Shockey
4
Stephen Gostkowski
14
Bears
11

101
Springfield Atoms
Pts
Aaron Rodgers
24
Ryan Grant
9
Rashard Mendenhall
16
Hines Ward
21
Miles Austin
11
Brandon Marshall
18
Tony Gonzalez
13
0
Colts
13

100
Mayberry Fifes
Pts
Carson Palmer
25
Marion Barber
9
Ricky Williams
10
Santonio Holmes
12
Mario Manningham
9
Chris Chambers
21
Greg Olsen
28
Larry Tynes
8
Cowboys
20

76
West Coast Mennonites
Pts
Joe Falcco
7
Jamaal Charles
11
Pierre Thomas
18
Reggie Wayne
12
Steve Smith the Younger
17
Laveranues Coles
10
Brent Celek
11
Rob Bironas
10
Falcons
22

144
Sin City Grifters
Pts
Drew Brees
28
DeAngelo Williams
27
Michael Turner
33
Chad Ochocinco
6
Larry Fitzgerald
29
Mike Sims-Walker
23
Antonio Gates
9
Nate Kaeding
3
Saints
22

64
Bakersfield Circus Bears
Pts
Peyton Manning
28
Brandon Jacobs
7
Steven Jackson
0
Isaac Bruce
1
Derrick Mason
5
Nate Burleson
12
Dallas Clark
21
Neil Rackers
12
Patriots
14

Sunday, November 08, 2009

Finally Off the Schnyde

One week from being officially off the schnyde the Mennonites hope to make it 2 in a row with a win against the Fifes. However, the Mennonites have lost to the fifes when favored before and the Mennonite faithful hope it doesn't happen again.

QB: Flacco

WR: Wayne, Smith(The Younger), and Laveranues Coles

RB: Jamaal Charles and Pierre Thomas

TE: Celek

PK: Bironas

Defense: Falcons

Bleary-Eyed Fifes Week 9 Lineup

QB - Carson Palmer
RB - Marion Barber
RB - Ricky Williams
WR - Santonio Holmes
WR - Mario Manningham
WR - Chris Chambers
TE - Greg Olsen
K - Larry Tynes
D - Cowboys
QB- Peyton Manning
RB- Brandon Jacobs
RB- Fred Taylor (DNP Steven Jackson)
WR- Anquan Boldin (DNP Muhsin Muhammad)
WR- Derrick Mason (DNP Bobby Engram)
WR- Nate Burleson (DNP Isaac Bruce)
TE- Dallas Clark
K- Neil Rackers
D- New England Patriots

Atoms Week 9 Lineup

Atoms Week 9 Lineup:

QB: Aaron Rodgers
RB: Ryan Grant
RB: Rashard Mendenhall
WR: Hines Ward
WR: Miles Austin
WR: Brandon Marshall
TE: Tony Gonzalez
K: (None - I neglected to acquire a Kicker this week, my bad)
D: Colts

Squids Strike Fear?

With a semi-annual poker meeting held last night with local BFL coaches to celebrate Grifters owner Jake Bell's Birthday, Atoms owner Rob Hart was suspiciously missing despite reports of him saying repeatedly that he would be there. The reason he was missing?

Fear.

"I think Hart is scared of us" said Squid Owner Dave Bargman. "With Brady coming back from his time at The Most Interesting Academy, His presence has rubbed off on the team and everyone in the organization is radiating with positive energy. I mean, what else could it be? Brady is a Most Interesting Padawa, Billy Dee is Master of a Colt 45, T.O. is just so pretty (even though he isn't shining anymore), Matt Forte and Roddy White constantly kick butt on the field. Hell we are so cool we have 2 undead Hollywood Z-listers, Coach Matuzak and Sensei Morita plus a Moncalmari on staff. It's like there is an evil tyrannical overlord watching over all of Springfield..." David Akers then leaned in and whispered into Bargman's ear. "Wait, sorry. I forgot about that Burns guy. My Bad."

"Regardless, We feel that the Atoms are on the run. Here is who they are to face today:"

QB- Tom "MIMITW-In-Training" Brady
RB- Matt Forte, Kevin Smith
WR- Roddy White, Dwayne Bowe, Torry Holt
TE- Jeremy Shockey
PK- Stephen Gostkowski
D- Bears

Walken shaves moustache, gives team rundown of importance of game

After losing in the battle of moustaches last week, GM Walken and the rest of the Mounties return home this week to face the mighty Neanderthal in a showdown of first place teams.

In what could prove to be a preview of the Bucco Bruce bowl, coach Fonzarelli thought it wise to have Walken address the team before the game. Below is the footage of that inspirational speech. Whether the team could make the connection between the tooth fairy and the Neanderthal remains to be seen. At a minimum we hope it will serve to get quarterback Romo and wide receiver Roy Williams on the same page.




QB: Romo
RB: Addai
RB: Jonathan Stewart
WR: Wes Welker
WR: Roy Williams
WR: Michael Crabtree
TE: Kellen Winslow
K: Kris Brown
D: Steelers

Now go get my tooth fairy!

Saturday, November 07, 2009

Almost out of Band-Aids

If there's one thing I hate, it's having 75% of my RB injured or on a bye. If there's two things I hate, it's having 75% of my RB injured or on a bye and anal cancer.

QB- Matt Schaub
RB- Chris Johnson
RB- Brian Westbrook (DNS LeSean McCoy)
WR- Marques Colston
WR- DeSean Jackson
WR- Calvin Johnson (DNS Kevin Walter)
TE- Vernon Davis
PK- Matt Stover
DF- Packers

Slack Ass Owner Gets Banned to Indy

On the heels of an embarrassing performance which was capped with a no-show performance by star wide out Randy Moss and a nameless kicker, owner Brian Birch has decided to induce a self-imposed ban far away from Athens. He has handed the reigns of the team over to the coaching staff in hopes of a more promising end to the season. Head Coach John Elway was not available for comment.

QB - Kurt Warner
RB - Clinton Portis, Julius Jones
WR - Randy Moss, TJ Houshmandzadeh, Donald Drvier
TE - Bo Scaife
PK - John Carney
Def - Eagles

Another Monday Night, Another First Place Opponent

"It just seems that every week we play a first place team. Just how many divisions are there in the BFL" wondered Atouk, the assistant traveling secretary for the Neanderthal.
As the team prepared to leave the friendly confines of the Oak Openings Metro Park training facility for the latest out of country travel to the Great White North, several of the players balked at requirements that they not travel in sweats causing the Vikings Defense and Dustin Keller to remain in Toledo while the rest of the team used the opportunity to show off their wardrobes supplied by Damschroeder's of downtown Toledo.
Team owner, Gene Bell, proud that the rest of the team responded positively to the travel arrangement, was heard saying "Cavemen, go where I send thee. How will I send thee. Nine by Nine. Nine for the Nine who dress so fine>'
The nine members who make up the starting lineup will be:

QB RIVERS
RB GORE AND JONES-DREW
REC JENNINGS, ANDRE JOHNSON & V. JACKSON
TE BOSS
K CROSBY
DEF CARDINALS

Friday, November 06, 2009

The Anti-Peyton

Grifters look to defeat Bakersfield for 2nd time in 3 weeks

LAS VEGAS--Sin City can all but clinch a playoff berth with another victory over Bakersfield this weekend. The Grifters defeated the Circus Bears 100-78 just two weeks ago.

"I have no doubt Peyton Manning will throw four or five touchdowns," said Coach Mike Alstott. "Hell, he'll probably get two or three in pre-game warmups and the referees will just add them to his totals for the game. Fortunately, we have the Anti-Peyton."

The secret weapon in question is Drew Brees. Following their victory in Las Vegas two weeks ago, the Grifters noted the similarities and stark differences of Manning and Brees. "Imagine a quarterback who is startlingly accurate, elevates his teammates to superstar status, commands the field like the love-child of Napoleon and Patton, terrifies the opposition, and can complete passes anywhere from one to seventy yards down the field. Who am I talking about?" asks owner and general manager Jake Bell. "Well, it could be Drew or Peyton. The only way to tell the difference is to determine whether the quarterback in question gets all his accolades because the referees gift-wrap ever success for him in yellow flags, is constantly shoved down our throats by advertisers, gets verbally fellated by TV announcers all Sunday long, and is a total douchebag or if he's Drew Brees. Therein lies the difference between Peyton and Anti-Peyton."

Drew Brees
DeAngelo Williams
Michael Turner
Chad Ochocinco
Larry Fitzgerald
Mike Sims-Walker
Antonio Gates
Nate Kaeding
Saints

Inexplicable Run Of Bad Luck For Fifes




The season continues to go right down the crapper for the Fifes, as they received news Friday that star tight end Owen Daniels would be inactive for the rest of the season following an injury last Sunday in the game against the Grifters.

Head coach Tony Mayberry was despondent: "I don't know what we've done to deserve this run of bad luck. It's like we're cursed or something."

Team staffers seem to agree. In the midst of renovating the team offices, offensive coordinator Casey Weldon was similarly mystified: "I honestly don't see how any of this is our fault," said Weldon as he walked under a stepladder carrying new paint for the ceiling. "I'm thinking beige would go well with the carpet."

Defensive coordinator Chidi Ahanotu, in the midst of hanging a new wall-to-wall mirror, expressed different sentiments: "I think it's just coincidence, I really-----AAAARRGGH!" Ahanotu exclaimed as he dropped the mirror, shattering it into thousands of shards. "Man, that's gonna come out of my paycheck. Dang."

Director of Player Personnel Alvin Harper seemed relatively upbeat amidst the commotion. "I think it's gonna be a great last third of the season, I can feel it," said Harper as he opened an umbrella. "Ooh, looks like it might rain --- never can be too careful." As he opened the door to leave the office for the day, Harper almost tripped over team cat Fifesy, the black feline scurried across Harper's path and under his desk. "Yessir, a GREAT last third!"

Labels:

Thursday, November 05, 2009

Big, Bad Luck Woolfs

(Charleston, WV--AP) Declaring he is sick of falling victim to bad luck, Woolfs' owner Rick Lord has decided to make his own luck, and shake up his Special Teams. "About the only thing more ridiculous than being 4-4 despite being just 3 points behind the highest-scoring team in the league is the fact that our stinkin' kickers can't score more than 5 points a game," extolled Lord. "Look at these totals.... 4,4,3,5,3,2.... I mean 36 points total from our kickers in 8 games is UNACCEPTABLE. It ends TODAY!"

Lord then announced the re-hiring of one-time Woolfs' head coach The Decapitated Cole Ford as Kicking Coach. Ford then immediately cut Joe Nedney and signed Matt Stover.

Monday, November 02, 2009

Week 8 Results


134
West Coast Mennonites
Pts
Joe Flacco
24
Adrian Peterson
18
LaDainian Tomlinson
17
Reggie Wayne
27
Steve Smith the Younger
12
Braylon Edwards
14
Brent Celek
14
Rob Bironas
14
Jets
25

99
West Virginia Woolfs
Pts
Matt Schaub
17
Chris Johnson
40
Thomas Jones
12
Marques Colston
17
Austin Collie
10
DeSean Jackson
16
Vernon Davis
10
Joe Nedney
2
Packers
6

120
Toledo Neanderthal
Pts
Phillip Rivers
22
Maurice Jones-Drew
34
Ronnie Brown
3
Vincent Jackson
20
Greg Jennings
19
Andre Johnson
5
Dustin Keller
19
Mason Crosby
8
Cardinals
2

93
Bakersfield Circus Bears
Pts
Peyton Manning
27
Brandon Jacobs
11
Steven Jackson
24
Anquan Boldin
4
Muhsin Muhammad
0
Derrick Mason
12
Dallas Clark
14
Neil Rackers
3
Giants
10

54
Moose River Mounties
Pts
Tony Romo
38
Steve Slaton
-1
Joseph Addai
15
Roy Williams
9
Michael Crabtree
8
Jabar Gaffney
5
Zach Miller
8
Kris Brown
12
Chargers
26

80
Seaside Squid
Pts
Jay Cutler
12
Matt Forte
25
Kevin Smith
11
Terrell Owens
16
Roddy White
19
Torry Holt
3
Jeremy Shockey
10
David Akers
10
Bears
40

83
Springfield Atoms
Pts
Aaron Rodgers
47
Ryan Grant
7
Beanie Wells
4
Miles Austin
16
Brandon Marshall
5
Pierre Garcon
7
Tony Gonzalez
11
Ryan Longwell
9
Colts
22

47
Athenian Woodchucks
Pts
Kurt Warner
15
Marshawn Lynch
7
Tim Hightower
20
Randy Moss
0
Donald Driver
10
T.J. Houshmandzadeh
5
Visanthe Shiancoe
7
John Carney
5
Eagles
23

76
Sin City Grifters
Pts
Drew Brees
31
DeAngelo Williams
15
Michael Turner
21
Larry Fitzgerald
10
Mike Sims-Walker
2
Sidney Rice
6
Antonio Gates
6
Nate Kaeding
6
Saints
24

26
Mayberry Fifes
Pts
Carson Palmer*
13
Larry Johnson**
6
Marion Barber
12
Jerricho Cotchery
7
Chris Henry
0
Patrick Crayton
4
Owen Daniels
2
Larry Tynes
6
Cowboys
21
*Disguised as Matt Ryan
**Disguised as Ricky Williams