Walken Prepares Mounties for Trip to Sin City

Inthe midst of a freefall from the top of the division, Christopher Walken is starting early this week. Here we see him kicking off practice this week with a reading about his escapades in Sin City for this weekend.

Week 9 Results

109 Toledo Neanderthal Pts Phillip Rivers 33 Frank Gore 26 Maurice Jones-Drew 20 Greg Jennings 9 Andre Johnson 16 Vincent Jackson 20 Kevin Boss 9 Mason Crosby 4 Cardinals 14

89 Moose River Mounties Pts Tony Romo 26 Joseph Addai 26 Jonathan Stewart 0 Wes Welker 14 Roy Williams 10 Michael Crabtree 5 Kellen Winslow 15 Kris Brown 7 Steelers 28

132 Athenian Woodchucks Pts Kurt Warner 53 Clinton Portis 0 Julius Jones 20 Randy Moss 25 T.J. Houshmandzadeh 14 Donald Driver 15 Bo Scaife 3 John Carney 13 Eagles 14

90 West Virginia Woolfs Pts Matt Schaub 27 Chris Johnson 29 LeSean McCoy 14 Marques Colston 4 DeSean Jackson 3 Calvin Johnson 3 Vernon Davis 16 Matt Stover 8 Packers 11

74 Seaside Squid Pts Tom Brady 33 Matt Forte 13 Kevin Smith 8 Roddy White 4 Dwayne Bowe 8 Torry Holt 3 Jeremy Shockey 4 Stephen Gostkowski 14 Bears 11

101 Springfield Atoms Pts Aaron Rodgers 24 Ryan Grant 9 Rashard Mendenhall 16 Hines Ward 21 Miles Austin 11 Brandon Marshall 18 Tony Gonzalez 13 0 Colts 13

100 Mayberry Fifes Pts Carson Palmer 25 Marion Barber 9 Ricky Williams 10 Santonio Holmes 12 Mario Manningham 9 Chris Chambers 21 Greg Olsen 28 Larry Tynes 8 Cowboys 20

76 West Coast Mennonites Pts Joe Falcco 7 Jamaal Charles 11 Pierre Thomas 18 Reggie Wayne 12 Steve Smith the Younger 17 Laveranues Coles 10 Brent Celek 11 Rob Bironas 10 Falcons 22

144 Sin City Grifters Pts Drew Brees 28 DeAngelo Williams 27 Michael Turner 33 Chad Ochocinco 6 Larry Fitzgerald 29 Mike Sims-Walker 23 Antonio Gates 9 Nate Kaeding 3 Saints 22

64 Bakersfield Circus Bears Pts Peyton Manning 28 Brandon Jacobs 7 Steven Jackson 0 Isaac Bruce 1 Derrick Mason 5 Nate Burleson 12 Dallas Clark 21 Neil Rackers 12 Patriots 14

Finally Off the Schnyde

One week from being officially off the schnyde the Mennonites hope to make it 2 in a row with a win against the Fifes. However, the Mennonites have lost to the fifes when favored before and the Mennonite faithful hope it doesn't happen again.

QB: Flacco

WR: Wayne, Smith(The Younger), and Laveranues Coles

RB: Jamaal Charles and Pierre Thomas

TE: Celek

PK: Bironas

Defense: Falcons

Bleary-Eyed Fifes Week 9 Lineup

QB - Carson Palmer
RB - Marion Barber
RB - Ricky Williams
WR - Santonio Holmes
WR - Mario Manningham
WR - Chris Chambers
TE - Greg Olsen
K - Larry Tynes
D - Cowboys

QB- Peyton Manning
RB- Brandon Jacobs
RB- Fred Taylor (DNP Steven Jackson)
WR- Anquan Boldin (DNP Muhsin Muhammad)
WR- Derrick Mason (DNP Bobby Engram)
WR- Nate Burleson (DNP Isaac Bruce)
TE- Dallas Clark
K- Neil Rackers
D- New England Patriots

Atoms Week 9 Lineup

Atoms Week 9 Lineup:

QB: Aaron Rodgers
RB: Ryan Grant
RB: Rashard Mendenhall
WR: Hines Ward
WR: Miles Austin
WR: Brandon Marshall
TE: Tony Gonzalez
K: (None - I neglected to acquire a Kicker this week, my bad)
D: Colts

Squids Strike Fear?

With a semi-annual poker meeting held last night with local BFL coaches to celebrate Grifters owner Jake Bell's Birthday, Atoms owner Rob Hart was suspiciously missing despite reports of him saying repeatedly that he would be there. The reason he was missing?

Fear.

"I think Hart is scared of us" said Squid Owner Dave Bargman. "With Brady coming back from his time at The Most Interesting Academy, His presence has rubbed off on the team and everyone in the organization is radiating with positive energy. I mean, what else could it be? Brady is a Most Interesting Padawa, Billy Dee is Master of a Colt 45, T.O. is just so pretty (even though he isn't shining anymore), Matt Forte and Roddy White constantly kick butt on the field. Hell we are so cool we have 2 undead Hollywood Z-listers, Coach Matuzak and Sensei Morita plus a Moncalmari on staff. It's like there is an evil tyrannical overlord watching over all of Springfield..." David Akers then leaned in and whispered into Bargman's ear. "Wait, sorry. I forgot about that Burns guy. My Bad."

"Regardless, We feel that the Atoms are on the run. Here is who they are to face today:"

QB- Tom "MIMITW-In-Training" Brady
RB- Matt Forte, Kevin Smith
WR- Roddy White, Dwayne Bowe, Torry Holt
TE- Jeremy Shockey
PK- Stephen Gostkowski
D- Bears

Walken shaves moustache, gives team rundown of importance of game

After losing in the battle of moustaches last week, GM Walken and the rest of the Mounties return home this week to face the mighty Neanderthal in a showdown of first place teams.

In what could prove to be a preview of the Bucco Bruce bowl, coach Fonzarelli thought it wise to have Walken address the team before the game. Below is the footage of that inspirational speech. Whether the team could make the connection between the tooth fairy and the Neanderthal remains to be seen. At a minimum we hope it will serve to get quarterback Romo and wide receiver Roy Williams on the same page.

The Rundown - The Tooth Fairy | Movies & TV | SPIKE.com

QB: Romo
RB: Addai
RB: Jonathan Stewart
WR: Wes Welker
WR: Roy Williams
WR: Michael Crabtree
TE: Kellen Winslow
K: Kris Brown
D: Steelers

Now go get my tooth fairy!

Almost out of Band-Aids

If there's one thing I hate, it's having 75% of my RB injured or on a bye. If there's two things I hate, it's having 75% of my RB injured or on a bye and anal cancer.

QB- Matt Schaub
RB- Chris Johnson
RB- Brian Westbrook (DNS LeSean McCoy)
WR- Marques Colston
WR- DeSean Jackson
WR- Calvin Johnson (DNS Kevin Walter)
TE- Vernon Davis
PK- Matt Stover
DF- Packers

Slack Ass Owner Gets Banned to Indy

On the heels of an embarrassing performance which was capped with a no-show performance by star wide out Randy Moss and a nameless kicker, owner Brian Birch has decided to induce a self-imposed ban far away from Athens. He has handed the reigns of the team over to the coaching staff in hopes of a more promising end to the season. Head Coach John Elway was not available for comment.

QB - Kurt Warner
RB - Clinton Portis, Julius Jones
WR - Randy Moss, TJ Houshmandzadeh, Donald Drvier
TE - Bo Scaife
PK - John Carney
Def - Eagles

Another Monday Night, Another First Place Opponent

"It just seems that every week we play a first place team. Just how many divisions are there in the BFL" wondered Atouk, the assistant traveling secretary for the Neanderthal.
As the team prepared to leave the friendly confines of the Oak Openings Metro Park training facility for the latest out of country travel to the Great White North, several of the players balked at requirements that they not travel in sweats causing the Vikings Defense and Dustin Keller to remain in Toledo while the rest of the team used the opportunity to show off their wardrobes supplied by Damschroeder's of downtown Toledo.
Team owner, Gene Bell, proud that the rest of the team responded positively to the travel arrangement, was heard saying "Cavemen, go where I send thee. How will I send thee. Nine by Nine. Nine for the Nine who dress so fine>'
The nine members who make up the starting lineup will be:

QB RIVERS
RB GORE AND JONES-DREW
REC JENNINGS, ANDRE JOHNSON & V. JACKSON
TE BOSS
K CROSBY
DEF CARDINALS

The Anti-Peyton Grifters look to defeat Bakersfield for 2nd time in 3 weeks LAS VEGAS--Sin City can all but clinch a playoff berth with another victory over Bakersfield this weekend. The Grifters defeated the Circus Bears 100-78 just two weeks ago. "I have no doubt Peyton Manning will throw four or five touchdowns," said Coach Mike Alstott. "Hell, he'll probably get two or three in pre-game warmups and the referees will just add them to his totals for the game. Fortunately, we have the Anti-Peyton." The secret weapon in question is Drew Brees. Following their victory in Las Vegas two weeks ago, the Grifters noted the similarities and stark differences of Manning and Brees. "Imagine a quarterback who is startlingly accurate, elevates his teammates to superstar status, commands the field like the love-child of Napoleon and Patton, terrifies the opposition, and can complete passes anywhere from one to seventy yards down the field. Who am I talking about?" asks owner and general manager Jake Bell. "Well, it could be Drew or Peyton. The only way to tell the difference is to determine whether the quarterback in question gets all his accolades because the referees gift-wrap ever success for him in yellow flags, is constantly shoved down our throats by advertisers, gets verbally fellated by TV announcers all Sunday long, and is a total douchebag or if he's Drew Brees. Therein lies the difference between Peyton and Anti-Peyton." Drew Brees DeAngelo Williams Michael Turner Chad Ochocinco Larry Fitzgerald Mike Sims-Walker Antonio Gates Nate Kaeding Saints

Inexplicable Run Of Bad Luck For Fifes The season continues to go right down the crapper for the Fifes, as they received news Friday that star tight end Owen Daniels would be inactive for the rest of the season following an injury last Sunday in the game against the Grifters. Head coach Tony Mayberry was despondent: "I don't know what we've done to deserve this run of bad luck. It's like we're cursed or something." Team staffers seem to agree. In the midst of renovating the team offices, offensive coordinator Casey Weldon was similarly mystified: "I honestly don't see how any of this is our fault," said Weldon as he walked under a stepladder carrying new paint for the ceiling. "I'm thinking beige would go well with the carpet." Defensive coordinator Chidi Ahanotu, in the midst of hanging a new wall-to-wall mirror, expressed different sentiments: "I think it's just coincidence, I really-----AAAARRGGH!" Ahanotu exclaimed as he dropped the mirror, shattering it into thousands of shards. "Man, that's gonna come out of my paycheck. Dang." Director of Player Personnel Alvin Harper seemed relatively upbeat amidst the commotion. "I think it's gonna be a great last third of the season, I can feel it," said Harper as he opened an umbrella. "Ooh, looks like it might rain --- never can be too careful." As he opened the door to leave the office for the day, Harper almost tripped over team cat Fifesy, the black feline scurried across Harper's path and under his desk. "Yessir, a GREAT last third!"

Big, Bad Luck Woolfs

(Charleston, WV--AP) Declaring he is sick of falling victim to bad luck, Woolfs' owner Rick Lord has decided to make his own luck, and shake up his Special Teams. "About the only thing more ridiculous than being 4-4 despite being just 3 points behind the highest-scoring team in the league is the fact that our stinkin' kickers can't score more than 5 points a game," extolled Lord. "Look at these totals.... 4,4,3,5,3,2.... I mean 36 points total from our kickers in 8 games is UNACCEPTABLE. It ends TODAY!"

Lord then announced the re-hiring of one-time Woolfs' head coach The Decapitated Cole Ford as Kicking Coach. Ford then immediately cut Joe Nedney and signed Matt Stover.

Week 8 Results

134 West Coast Mennonites Pts Joe Flacco 24 Adrian Peterson 18 LaDainian Tomlinson 17 Reggie Wayne 27 Steve Smith the Younger 12 Braylon Edwards 14 Brent Celek 14 Rob Bironas 14 Jets 25

99 West Virginia Woolfs Pts Matt Schaub 17 Chris Johnson 40 Thomas Jones 12 Marques Colston 17 Austin Collie 10 DeSean Jackson 16 Vernon Davis 10 Joe Nedney 2 Packers 6

120 Toledo Neanderthal Pts Phillip Rivers 22 Maurice Jones-Drew 34 Ronnie Brown 3 Vincent Jackson 20 Greg Jennings 19 Andre Johnson 5 Dustin Keller 19 Mason Crosby 8 Cardinals 2

93 Bakersfield Circus Bears Pts Peyton Manning 27 Brandon Jacobs 11 Steven Jackson 24 Anquan Boldin 4 Muhsin Muhammad 0 Derrick Mason 12 Dallas Clark 14 Neil Rackers 3 Giants 10

54 Moose River Mounties Pts Tony Romo 38 Steve Slaton -1 Joseph Addai 15 Roy Williams 9 Michael Crabtree 8 Jabar Gaffney 5 Zach Miller 8 Kris Brown 12 Chargers 26

80 Seaside Squid Pts Jay Cutler 12 Matt Forte 25 Kevin Smith 11 Terrell Owens 16 Roddy White 19 Torry Holt 3 Jeremy Shockey 10 David Akers 10 Bears 40

83 Springfield Atoms Pts Aaron Rodgers 47 Ryan Grant 7 Beanie Wells 4 Miles Austin 16 Brandon Marshall 5 Pierre Garcon 7 Tony Gonzalez 11 Ryan Longwell 9 Colts 22

47 Athenian Woodchucks Pts Kurt Warner 15 Marshawn Lynch 7 Tim Hightower 20 Randy Moss 0 Donald Driver 10 T.J. Houshmandzadeh 5 Visanthe Shiancoe 7 John Carney 5 Eagles 23

76 Sin City Grifters Pts Drew Brees 31 DeAngelo Williams 15 Michael Turner 21 Larry Fitzgerald 10 Mike Sims-Walker 2 Sidney Rice 6 Antonio Gates 6 Nate Kaeding 6 Saints 24

26 Mayberry Fifes Pts Carson Palmer* 13 Larry Johnson** 6 Marion Barber 12 Jerricho Cotchery 7 Chris Henry 0 Patrick Crayton 4 Owen Daniels 2 Larry Tynes 6 Cowboys 21 *Disguised as Matt Ryan **Disguised as Ricky Williams