Fifes Open 06-07 With One Less Bullet

MAYBERRY, N.C. --- The Mayberry Fifes' offseason had been a melancholy one, with the sudden and entirely unexpected death of GM/Inspiration Don Knotts casting a pall over the preseason training. "There's no question his loss will be felt," said coach Barry Sanders. "Don was the heart, soul, liver, bladder, and pancreas of this organization."

Despite the loss of Knotts, owner Chris Holly steadfastly refused to use it as an excuse. "That would be the easy way out," said Holly. "Instead, we're going to use the excuses we always use: poor drafting, lack of time, injury-prone players, and general bad luck."

Touched by opening day opponent Bakersfield's tribute to Knotts, the Fifes are also paying tribute in an unusual way: in week 1, all Fifes players will wear deputy caps instead of helmets, and all players will be carrying one bullet in pouches sewn onto their jerseys especially for this game.

"It's the least we can do," said star Fifes QB Donovan McNabb. "I can't think of any better way to honor the man who did so much for us than to put ourselves in harm's way by carrying live ammunition and no protective headgear. This one's for you, Mr. K."

The week 1 lineup, having been submitted to the BFL Head Office Thursday morning, was reproduced for the attendant press corps:

QB --- Donovan McNabb
RB --- Willie Parker
RB --- Reuben Droughns
WR --- Reggie Wayne
WR --- Rod Smith
WR --- Terry Glenn
TE --- Heath Miller
K --- Josh Brown
D --- San Diego

Former Rocket Named Neanderthal Starter

Coach Sam Rutigliano appeared calm, cool and collected as he met the press for the first time this year. With the on-going strike at The Blade, the only print media representative was Ed Sanders from the West Toledo Herald.
It was clear, following the draft, that most positions were settled before the team arrived at the Maumee State Forest for training camp. The only exception was at running back where the competition was tight. It was clear that Maroney and Barber were insurance for later in the season and maybe for next year. But Chester Taylor, Frank Gore and Kevin Jones were all potential opening day starters.
"We welcome the Squid to the Glass Bowl for this McKay division match up." the coach began. "Our goal this year is to make the playoffs. Obviously the Woolfs are the team to beat again this year, but after that I can't predict who will succeed and who will fail. That is why this game is so important. We retained Chester and I want to give him the chance he deserves in front of the home crowd."

QB Hasselbeck

RB Taylor and Gore

REC Randy Moss, Walker and Galloway

TE Watson

K Kasay

DEF Da-Bears

Mennonites Finally Begin Camp!

On the eve of the first game of the season for the fabled West Coast Mennonites, training camp has finally started. The Mennonites felt, that with such a lauded and all star roster, that training camp didn't need to be that 4 to 6 week campaign that it is for other teams. Therefore, training camp started the day before the regular season. Coach Ditka was reported to have said "These guys are just that damn good! Why ruin them in training camp!?" Camp itself, was more or less just a meet and greet for the guys to shake hands and get comfy with one another before taking the field against the Mounties tomorrow. "These guys will figure it all out on the field tomorrow and thats all that we'll need to down the mounties anyway!" Ditka said while running back into the conference room to rekindle relationships with Defensive Co-Coordinators Sifl and Olly. With bloodshot eyes Sifl and Olly made a brief appearance and stated that "The Indianapolis Defensive Squad is like totally crescent fresh man! We fully expect them to dodge all the 8-balls thrown at them this week by the mounties! And maybe even save some of those 8-balls for after the game...we love playin' pool!" The Mennonites are looking forward to regaining the lustre that was theirs when they won the Bucco Bruce Bowl 3 years ago. Everyone in Hollywood thinks that this is their year to shine once again and that these guys are the ones to take them to victory #1....

QB: Eli Manning

RB: Ladainian Tomlinson and Larry Johnson

WR: Marvin Harrison, Anquan Boldin, and Steve Smith(DNP Ernest Wilford)

TE: L.J. Smith

PK: Jeff Wilkins

Defense: Indianapolis Colts

Go Mennonites!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Fonzi and Khan Ready for Sequel

Last year the drama, the excitement, and the storylines were spectacular for the Mounties. After suffering an 0-3 start, the former leader of the Falcons street gang, buoyed by the shrewd moves of the GM, Khan, reveresed their fortunes, and ended up in the final four, only to fall short again...

This year, a sequel to that exciting season is on tap, with a few more surprises (and actors) sure to play a big role in the weeks ahead. As the team readies itself for opening week, against the all-world roster of the Mennonites, things have been rather quiet from camp. Some expected a few players to be sent ahead on Thursday, but apparently the training camp battles have caused new blood to emerge.
Coach Fonzarelli tells Kurt Warner he's starting.



Time will tell, but lets roll credits, Mounties '06 begins....

QB- K. Warner
RB- L. Jordan
RB- R. Bush
WR- P. Burress
WR- T. Williamson
WR- Mike Williams
TE- T. Heap
K- L. Tynes
D- Dallas

Resurrecting for another season.

The following is an excerpt from "BFL: Profiles" Magazine

Seaside, AZ.

A strange (maybe not so much in the BFL) occurrence happens to the Seaside Squids Head Coach John Matuzak at the end of every season.... He drops dead, or one can say he returns to "being dead". But how is he back every season? What is his story? BFL:Profiles sat down with enigmatic coach to fill in the details....

BP: Coach Matuzak, Didn't you die in 1989? But you're alive now coaching for the Squid. How did this come about?

CM: Well.... Things are a bit hazy for me. But from what I've been told, Team owner Dave Bargman knew he wanted me as coach when he took over the team 3 years ago. He has close ties to our Redskin neighbors, the Kil-aa-wa-tee Indian Reservation. He tries to work out gambling deals and trades to them some of the booze the stadium and brewery produces. Over many drinks one night, he bet their shaman that they couldn't raise the dead. Well... He lost, but he wanted to lose. I was was reborn "undead". That Bargman is a sly one.

BP: Walk us through your rebirth.

CM: I'm not sure where he got my corpse to start with but all I know is the spell only lasts the length of the season, so I'm motivated to take us to the Bucco Bowl every year to keep me alive longer. Once the season is over, I black out! The next thing I remember is waking up a couple of days before the Draft in Vegas. I don't know any specifics about the ceremony but I always seem to smell like Vanilla and Vodka. I've heard talk of a Lazarus pickling barrel that is kept on hallow ground but don't know where it is. By the time I get conscious enough I am at my apartment inside the stadium washing off booze from my nooks and crannies.

BP: Fascinating. Coach, since your life depends on how the team does, what are your thoughts about this season?

CM: I'm always excited to see how this team does. Bargman is kind of a kook and I'm never quite sure if the team will gel enough. We've done pretty good the past two years and have made it to the playoffs but we always get bumped out in the first round. Maybe this year we can take it all the way.

BP: How about Week One?

CM: We are on the road against Toledo. I have a feeling that they will be a break out team this year and surprise everyone. They fell flat last year after some injuries, but I expect them to come out swinging. We are throwing the best we have this week to kick it off right:

QB-Tom Brady
RB- Edgerrin James & Rudi Johnson
WR- Santana Moss, Lee Evans, & Jerry Porter
TE- Alge Crumpler
PK- Shayne Graham
D- Jacksonville

BP: Now lets get more personal, Compare acting to coaching....

END OF EXCERPT

Woodchucks Week One!

HEADLINE Ready for Some Grifting? The team was in such a fired up mood, that Chris Chambers claimed he would take on the entire Grifter franchise by himself on Thursday night. This did not fare so well. So the rest of the team packs up there gear and heads to the city of Sin. We are ready to take the fight to the Grifters! QB - Marc Bulger RB - Brian Westbrook, Thomas Jones WR - Chris Chambers, Nate Burleson, Antonio Bryant TE - Tony Gonzalez PK - Rian Lindell Def - Redskins It's football season!!!

Atoms Week One Lineup

Tribute to Don Knotts

In the first game played since the passing of Mayberry Fifes GM Don Knotts, the Bakersfield Performing Circus Bears have announced a special tribute to the man whom all adored.

"I can't honestly remember if I ever officially worked with Don," William Shatner said at the press conference, "but the two of us worked together a lot, if you know what I mean." Shatner winked at the gathered press and chuckled loudly, "Between the tail on Three's Company and TJ Hooker, that ascot got a lot of use between us."

Without anyone really understanding what Shatner meant, the press conference moved on to the actual announcement:

For their game against the Fifes, the Circus Bears would be wearing special shades-of-gray uniforms to emulate The Andy Griffith Show's five classic black-and-white seasons during which Don Knotts established himself as an entertainment icon. The coaching staff will wear reproductions of the Mayberry Sheriff's Department uniforms, complete to the last detail of a lone bullet in the shirt's left breast pocket and an unloaded sidearm (...or is it?).

The crock of Gatorade on the sideline will be spiked with moonshine, and special surprise guests will aid us in tributes during timeouts and between quarters, which we are currently coordinating with the town of Mayberry and representatives from the Fifes organization.

It should be a really special day for a really special guy.

Here's our line-up for the actual game:

proudly returning at QB, RB and TE--

Peyton Manning,
Corey Dillon,
Ahman Green
and Jeremy Shockey

would like to welcome the new receiving corp of--

Andre Johnson
Donte Stallworth
and Isaac Bruce

along with the handsomest kicker in football--

Neil Rackers

and the Carolina Defense!

Here's to the start of another fantastic season!

KITNA GETS NOD FOR SEASON OPENER The quietest quarterback controversy in the league was settled Wednesday afternoon when head coach Brian Billick named Jon Kitna to the starting line up for the Grifters' season opener against Athens. Kitna beat out Chris Simms, who was selected ahead of the journeyman in the draft, Chad Pennington, who started last year's season opener for Sin City, and Drew Brees, the Woodchucks' former franchise QB. "On one hand, I'm very happy to have so much talent at that position," Billick said, "but, on the other, when no one guy stands out head and shoulders above the rest, it's a bit unnerving to have to select the best option on a week to week basis." In this case, Billick's decision was based on Simms lack of BFL experience and injuries to the other two. "We'd like to assess Drew and Chad's shoulders again before we throw them to the wolves," he explained. "Chris has incredible talent and is likely to be the quarterback of the future in Las Vegas. That future just isn't this weekend." Jon Kitna Cadillac Williams Willis McGahee Chad Johnson Larry Fitzgerald Roy Williams Antonio Gates Adam Vinatieri Bengals