Neanderthal Starting Receiver Benched

For the second straight week the cavemen will bench one of its starting wide-outs. First round draft pick, Randy Moss, will ride the pine this week as the Neanderthal hit the road for the first road trip of the season. "We always enjoy our trip to the Big Top. Even those years when they had a great team we always got cotton candy and licorice whips" said Chad "always a neanderthal" Lewis the tight ends coach said.

Coach Sam Rutigliano seemed concerned that his undefeated squad was going to face a tough test on the road against Payton and the elephant boys. When asked about Moss coach Sam indicated that Randy was in a funk. "Seems like he really misses West Virginia. First playing at Marshall, then with the Wollfs, he just hasn't adjusted to the sophisticated big city life that Toledo offers. I hope that a week off will clear his head and he can contribute to our team."

The starting line up:

QB Matt Hasselbeck
RB Frank Gore and Chester Taylor
REC JavonWalker, Joe E. Galloway and Lav. Coles (DNP--Drew Bennett)
TE Benjamin Watson
K John Kasay
DEF Da-Bears

HEADLINE Athens One More Time This week calls for bravado and confidence for the Woodchuck organization. Opening the season with two losses can raddle some teams, but not this team. We will prevail this week. New head coach Chance Schutter has wasted no time in mixing up the starting lineup. "Hey, when you have lost two in a row, it is time for some changes" commented the newly appointed head coach. Leading the charge will be: QB - Byron Leftwich RB - Clinton Portis, Brian Westbrook (if either DNS, Jamal Lewis) WR - Antonio Bryant, Chris Chambers, Michael Clayton TE - Alex Smith PK - Rian Lindell Def - Redskins

Squid Welcome new additions to Team and Aquarium.

It is with Great delight that the Squid have a new creature on display at the Aquarium this week with the addition of the rare Springfield Three-eyed Goldfish. Special tanks are being prepared and the fish is currently in holding in the Cousteau Research Facility and Locker Room. The Squid will also welcome newcomer Jericho Cotchery to the teams line-up this week by starting him.

"We should've started him last week, but he had some trouble in customs" Said GM Billy Dee Williams who even though was swallowed by the Sarlaac For four hours looked none worse the wear. "I'd dealt with that thing before." commented Williams, "He has breath worse than Matuzak, but I'm greatful for my pickled liver."

Starting this week will once again be QB Tom Brady whom the team hopes will step up to the plate. " I've had trouble," said Brady, "But The Coach said if I don't make it this week, then I might be on the bench."

Here is the line-up:

QB- Tom Brady
RB- Edgerrin James, Rudi Johnson
WR- Jericho Cotchery, Santana Moss and Lee Evans
TE- Alge Crumpler
PK- Shayne Graham
D- JAX

Shaun of the Dead

The last two BBB MVP's are playing like they are cursed or something, but Michael Moore is determined to spin lies about republicans, er, I mean, win football games. Just trying to not embarass ourselves, here is teh Week 3 line-up:

QB- Carson Palmer
RB- Shaun Alexander
RB- Fred Taylor
WR- Hines Ward
WR- Moose River Muhammad
WR- Chad Jackson
TE- Jermaine "Atari 2600" Wiggins
PK- David Akers
DF- Ravens

Heap "Kahn"-not Stay

Yesterday a trade occurred in Moose River, as Khan Noonien Singh, fresh off of his avoidance of the stomach of Sarlaac, traded his arguably, best Tight end. Apparently after 1 start, Khan grew tired of Todd Heap's good ol boy image, and felt he did not fit in with the the legion of super intelligent players he was trying to form.

So in his place, the Mounties receive oft injured, oft mis-pronounced, WR from the Atoms, TJ Houshmenzadeh. In spite of the fact that TJ has yet to play a down for the ATOMS, Khan said, he's still better than that stiff we have been sending out there in the 3rd receiver spot the last 2 weeks. When told he was going to Canada, this was TJ's reaction:

In other news, apparently kicker Laurence Tynes has entered Coach Phil Fulmer (as portrayed by Fred Thompson)'s dog house. We still don't know if this is lingering over the being outkicked by Jeff Wilkins issue, or if Phil/Fred, just doesn't care for guys who spell Laurence with a "u". 130 year old Morten Andersen was seen being wheeled into Beaver Tail stadium, but we are still unsure if that means he's on the team. More as that story develops.

For now, we await the arrival of TJ, and to see what coach Fonzarelli does with him.

Manitoba Dispatch

Atoms Donate Freak Fish, Prepare for Emotional Monday Night Game Three Eyed Fish donated to Seaside Squid Aquarium Lindsey Nagle, Director of media relations for the Springfield Atoms, announced today that the team has donated a three-eyed fish to the Seaside Squid as a token of good will for their upcoming game this Monday night. The fish, which was pulled from the river that runs by the Springfield Nuclear Power Plant, is a species particular to the area, and was in no way created by radioactive pollution from the plant, a longheld belief that was dispelled when plant owner C. Montgomery Burns ran for governor and used an actor to play Charles Darwin who then explained the theory of evolution. The donation of the fish is but one event among a flurry of activity this week as the team prepares for its BFL home opener against 0-2 Seaside. The Monday night game will be Springfield's first in newly renovated Douglas Adams Field, and the team's first true home game in over a year after BFL league owners voted to have the Atoms play their entire home schedule in the Carribean last year and change their name to the Yachtsmen, for no apparent reason whatsoever. The return home will be marked by speeches from Springfield Mayor "Diamond" Joe Quimby, and Governor Mary Bailey, and rock bands U2 and Green Day will kick off the action with pre-game performances. Seaside Squid @ Springfield Atoms...tickets still available! Contact the box office or any Ticketmaster outlet. Other action in the BFL this week: West Virginia Woolfs (1-1) @ Mayberry Fifes (1-1), Toledo Neanderthal (2-0) @ Bakersfield Circus Bears (0-2), Sin City Grifters (1-1) @ West Coast Mennonites (2-0), and Athenian Woodchucks (0-2) @ Moose River Mounties (1-1).

Gates Offers Sporting Chance Grifters fans celebrated upon hearing the news that not one, but both of West Coast's MVP-candidate running backs would be taking the weekend off. General manager Jake Bell, however, felt the lack of LaDainian Tomlinson and Larry Johnson in the Mennonite line up would give his team an unfair advantage. "We're all about fair play," Bell insisted. "What is the value of a win if it comes against a diminished opponent?" Bell refused to address rumors that he'd made a bet with another GM shortly after this year's draft that West Coast would finish the season undefeated. To "even the playing field," Bell announced that tight end Antonio Gates would be held out of Sunday's game. "I think it's a great idea," Gates smiled. "It makes for a better all around game and I'll be able to wear pants with a zipper on them this weekend. It's a win-win." To further reduce his team's "unfair advantage," coach Brian Billick agreed to start struggling running back and former Mennonite Cadillac Williams. "I don't want to say he's on thin ice and liable to lose his starting spot if he doesn't have a big game," Billick said, "but that motherfucker better go for 300 yards and four touchdowns if he's planning to live up to my expectations for him this season." Later he added, "And would it kill him to catch a screen pass every so often?" Drew Brees Willis McGahee Cadillac Williams Chad Johnson Larry Fitzgerald Roy Williams Desmond Clark Adam Vinatieri Broncos

Early Lineup for Mennonites...

Ladainian Tomlinson and Larry Johnson will be joining Mennonites owner Greg Hulke beyond the Cheddar Curtain this weekend to relax and do a little fishing as a reward for such a stellar opening to the season. Other players will be rewarded with fishing trips later in the season. Everyone else on the team will be lining up on the field this weekend to try and win one against the Grifters....

QB: Eli Manning

RB: Samkon Gado and Kevan Barlow

WR: Marvin Harrison, Anquan Boldin, and Steve Smith(DNP Ernest Wilford)

TE: L.J. Smith

PK: Jeff Wilkins

Defense: Indy

Atoms Week Two Lineup

Atoms Donate Freak Fish, Prepare for Emotional Monday Night Game Three Eyed Fish donated to Seaside Squid Aquarium Lindsey Nagle, Director of media relations for the Springfield Atoms, announced today that the team has donated a three-eyed fish to the Seaside Squid as a token of good will for their upcoming game this Monday night. The fish, which was pulled from the river that runs by the Springfield Nuclear Power Plant, is a species particular to the area, and was in no way created by radioactive pollution from the plant, a longheld belief that was dispelled when plant owner C. Montgomery Burns ran for governor and used an actor to play Charles Darwin who then explained the theory of evolution. The donation of the fish is but one event among a flurry of activity this week as the team prepares for its BFL home opener against 0-2 Seaside. The Monday night game will be Springfield's first in newly renovated Douglas Adams Field, and the team's first true home game in over a year after BFL league owners voted to have the Atoms play their entire home schedule in the Carribean last year and change their name to the Yachtsmen, for no apparent reason whatsoever. The return home will be marked by speeches from Springfield Mayor "Diamond" Joe Quimby, and Governor Mary Bailey, and rock bands U2 and Green Day will kick off the action with pre-game performances.

Let the Season Begin!

The thunderously tinny sound of the calliope from beneath The Big Top announced to the populous of Bakersfield, Vermont, that another season of Performing Circus Bears football was about to kickoff. As is tradition, the cities businesses shuttered their doors and the proprietors headed for the game. The stadium was built to hold the entire population of Bakersfield, and a game has yet to be played before less than a sellout. (Unfortunately this information has been used against us, as looting by neighboring towns on our streets runs rampant during game time. This season the Circus Bears are implementing a new security feature, releasing the performing lions, tigers, bears, elephants, and goats masquerading as unicorns to patrol the city streets.)

Little of the week-long festivities leading up to the home opener involved members of the Performing Circus Bears this year, as the team decided to spend the week in Mayberry following their first game of the season-- a loss which led to the team being celebrated as much as the home team by Mayberry's populace. When it was time to leave Friday, belly's full of homemade apple pie and pickles (not to mention moonshine), it took an act of God to get Goober to disassemble the team bus-- which he had disassembled and rebuilt inside the courthouse as a monument to the tribute to Don Knotts-- and rebuild it on the street so that Circus Bears could head for home.

Head coach Steve Young was a little worried about all the missed practice time, perhaps giving the opponent an advantage, until the team bus roared past the caravan of wagons heralding the arrival of the West Coast Mennonites. Here was a team that never got to practice, as it generally took them all week to travel to road games. For ten years, we've never got an answer as to how the Mennonites make it all the way to Athens, Greece, by horse drawn carriage.

The team rejoiced in seeing Anquan Boldin again, with many of the Circus Bears players smuggling him such contraband as batteries, pudding, and underwear with elastic waistebands.

Lest we forget, the Mennonites are a team to be taken seriously. Their roster is much improved, and it was a victory over the Circus Bears that ended their record-setting losing streak last season. After the lovefest of last week, this game will be all-out war. War with brightly colored balloons, corndogs, and poodles balancing on giant balls, but war nonetheless! Hopefully the Mennonites straw-filled pads and wooden helmets are enough to withstand the might of the Circus Bears rage. Rargh! Roar mighty Bear, roar!

Here's the line-up for the Bakersfield Performing Circus Bears first victory of the season:

QB- Peyton Manning
RB- Corey Dillon
RB- Ahman Green
WR- Andre Johnson
WR- Donte Stallworth
WR- Isaac Bruce
TE- Jeremy Shockey
K- Neil Rackers
D- Carolina

Woolfs Get Coach Back

The West Virginia Woolfs will welcome GM/Head Coach Michael Moore back to the fold for this week's game against Athens. Owner Rick Lord admitted that last week's gimmick was a disaster.
"Michael had prior commitments, so we figured it would be fun to allow another documentary guy a chance to direct this team." The Woolfs put West Virginia native Morgan Spurlock on the sidelines, but the move backfired. Spurlock promptly benched half the team, and created plays so convoluted, they became nearly impossible to run, and effectively took Carson Palmer and Shaun Alexander out of the offense. Spurlock dubbed his performance 'Ruining a Title Team in 30 Days.'
Lord insists his Woolfs will field a competitive team this time around. "What Spurlock did is a disgrace to the BFL. He benched two retainees (Mayor Julius Jones and Hines Ward) whom I'm sure would have probably scored a couple of TD's. And then he "claims" he forgot he had the Ravens defense. What a joke.
QB- Carson Palmer
RB- Shaun Alexander
RB- Mayor Julius Jones
WR- Terrell Owens
WR- Hines Ward
WR- Moose River Muhammed
TE- Jermaine Wiggins
PK- David Akers
DF- Ravens