Still Having Fun

Last week was the first game the Bakersfield Performing Circus Bears felt like we were out-performed. Credit where it's due, we've always thought of the Neanderthal as being one of the elite teams in the BFL. But that game is behind us, and everyone in the Circus Bears organization understands that this week we need to win if we're going have any chance of keeping our playoff streak alive.

To that end, we've made a few changes that should hopefully surprise the Mounties. That is, if we weren't going to spell it all out here for them. (Anyone involved in the Moose River organization, if you could just skip the next few paragraphs, we'd appreciate it!)

First of all, it's been designed for every remaining game-- after seeing the way Toledo ran plays for their quarterback-- that Peyton Manning will throw for five touchdowns. We'll debut this strategy tomorrow. The big surprise will be that nobody would ever expect Manning to be such a high scoring machine. Brilliant!

Next is our running back situation. We have faith that Corey Dillon and Ahman Green are the tandem that will lead us to a great many victories. Their experience makes up for what their aged bodies can't do anymore. Except when they're hurt. Which seems to be alot. So for tomorrow's game we're giving the nod to Dominic Rhodes. He's been itching to show us what he can do, now here's his opportunity. He's promised us 120 rushing yards with a touchdown, and four receptions for 30 yards and a touchdown; but most important, he's sworn he will not fumble. As for who'll be sharing time in the backfield with Dominic, that will be a gametime decision of whomever shows up with the least amount of creaks and groans.

The wide receiver corps is what's truly been giving us fits. Every week we've had somebody grossly under-perform while a back-up has put up grand numbers. How to decide whom to play? We've left that decision up to Stoney Case and Shannon Sharpe, who devised an experiment of machavelian proportions to pick the best three receivers for the week. Since a player is suppose to follow a planned path to where the ball will be when he reaches an exact coordinate, and do this by memory, Sharpe blindfolded all of the receivers and had them run their routes. Stoney played the part of quarterback, and the players who caught the most passes will get the start. Besides an unfortunate injury to Jeremy Shockey (who incorrectly ran a route that led him into the tiger cages) we eagerly await the results of the experiment.

What else can we say about Neil Rackers other than don't miss any more damned field goals?! You're guaranteed six extra points from the touchdowns Manning and Rhodes will be delivering, go hit a field goal longer than 40 yards and get us the ten points we expect you to average.

And then there's the Carolina defense, who swear they've finally learned that a football game is played over four quarters, not three periods.

Well that's that. Our strategy is deceptively simple: score more points and have fun doing it. So let's get out there and win a football game!

QB- Peyton "You wanna see me score 65 points? Okay." Manning
RB- Dominic "My hands are like magnets but the ball ain't metal" Rhodes
RB- Ahman Green (DNP Corey Dillon [DNP Ladell Betts])
WR- Andre Johnson (DNP Keenan McCardell)
WR- Donte Stallworth (DNP Isaac Bruce [DNP Antwaan Randle El])
WR- Keyshawn Johnson (DNP Peerless Price)
TE- Bubba "I feel kinda bad I didn't sign the get well card for Shockey" Franks
K- Neil "I'd kick it on the first play of every posession, but nobody listens to the pretty kicker" Rackers
D- Carolina "Sixty solid minutes, six sacks and three turnovers and coach treats us to buffet" Panthers

Woolfs Owner Fines Himself

West Virginia Woolfs' Owner Rick Lord has fined himself $5000 for "stupidity unbecoming a BFL owner." He spent Saturday afternoon locked in his office, double-checking his roster and the injury reports.

"You hate to make excuses, because the fact is, when you are 1-2, you are not that good," said Lord. "But in reality, we would be 3-0 if I didn't have my head up my rear for the first three weeks. Allowing Morgan Spurlock to pick our Week One team was a disgrace, but when he asked me what defense we had, I literally forgot we had drafted the Ravens. Had we allowed our #1 defense to play that week, we win. Last week, I left town on Thursday, and gave Michael Moore a mandate to play Chad Jackson. His repeated calls to me Sunday morning where unanswered. Had I known Jackson's leg had fallen off, I would have okayed a switch to Derrick Mason, and we would have won that game. But like I said, those bonehead moves on my part do not mask the fact that our team is just not very good right now. We have retainees that haven't even played a game yet this season, we maneuvered to bring back Shaun Alexander, and while he gave it his best on one foot for three weeks, we have to shut him down for a while. Hines has been gimpy, and you'd think whoever was throwing him the ball had a severe head injury and appendectomy over the summer or something. T.O. wants to kill himself, that sounds about right. And then you have me playing crappy line-ups because I don't even know my roster, or who's healthy. It's an outrage, and it stops NOW."

QB- Carson Palmer
RB- The much anticipated 2006 debut for Mayor Julius Jones
RB- Fred Taylor
WR- Derrick Mason
WR- Moose River Muhammed
TE- Eric Johnson
PK- David Akers
DF- Ravens

My final WR will be a game day decision. I'll keep you posted.

Lookin' to Match the Last 2 Years' Win Total!!!!

With a win this week against the Squid, the Mennonites will be able to match the number of wins they have amassed over the last 2 seasons. This is a great feeling for Mennonite Fans as they have been subject to 2 years of rebuilding and it looks as though the team is finally back to its' winning ways! These are the Mennonites that have been perrenial playoff teams as well as perennial championship contenders! Look out BFL!

While fishing last weekend with Team Owner Greg Hulke, Ladainian Tomlinson and Larry Johnson both caught some fish and were treated to an all-u-can eat walleye fish fry. This weekend starting QB Eli Manning gets his chance to catch some fish up across the Cheddar Curtain and it's getting to be Muskie season so he's sure to have some great stories after this weekend! Tomlinson and Johnson are back this week and will be joined by Drew Bledsoe as they try to get that fourth win!

QB: Drew Bledsoe

RB: Ladainian Tomlinson and Larry Johnson

WR: Marvin Harrison, Anquan Boldin, and Steve Smith

TE: L.J. Smith

PK. Jeff Wilkins

Defense: Indy

HEADLINE: One down, ten more to go Last week ushered in the first victory for the Woodchuck organization. Two weeks of loses are not the winning ways which this team is used to. Week three will bring more of W's. Beating the Neanderthal on Sunday are: QB - Marc Bulger RB - Brian Westbrook, Clinton Portis (if either DNS, Lewis, Jones) WR - Chris Chambers, Antonio Bryant, Nate Burleson TE - Tony G PK - Rian Lindell Def - Falcons

DEUCE'S WILD Grifters franchise RB back in lineup After almost a year off the field, running back Deuce McAllister will return to the Grifters' lineup against the West Virginia Woolfs. McAllister, who has never played for any team but Sin City, feared his injury might prevent his returning to the crimson and black. "I went down in week five last year," McAllister reminded everyone, "so while it might not seem like much, it's very significant to me that I can get back on the field in week four, meaning I missed less than a year." McAllister tore his ACL in the third quarter of last year's fifth game in Mayberry. The Grifters managed to pull out the win 106-74. Lost in some of the excitement of McAllister's return is the news that Chad Pennington will be under center for the first time since his shoulder injury in week three of last season. Chad Pennington Deuce McAllister Willis McGahee Chad Johnson Larry Fitzgerald Roy Williams Antonio Gates Adam Vinatieri (DNS Matt Stover) Bengals

Neanderthal Starting Receiver Benched

Even before the calliope music faded and the stench of cotton candy was beaten from the Neanderthal uniforms following last week's trip to Bakersfield, coach Sam Rutigliano announced that starting wide out, Javon Walker, would not make the trip to Athens for this week's tilt with the Woodchuck. "Javon had a great game but he is very superstitious and for some reason he believes that if he makes this trip he will be traded from our team. Nothing could be farther from our minds but I just can't convince him so until he gets his head straight, he will sit."

The cavemen, who face their second straight road game against the Williams Division, will also be without receiver Joe E. Galloway who only managed one catch for eight yards in last week's win. There is no timetable for his return to the starting lineup with the emergence of Braylon Edwards and the recent signing of Marquez Colston. The rest of the starting line up will remain in tact as the team attempts the first 4-0 start in team history. "We are very pleased with the efforts of our retainees and early draft picks. No one gave Chester and Frank much of a chance to make an impact in this league," was the remark of team owner, Gene Bell. "I had faith in the decision to retain the former Toledo Rocket and listened to the advice of others in the decision to draft Gore."

This week's starting lineup:

QB Hasselbeck
RB Gore and C. Taylor
REC Randy Moss, Braylon Edwards, Lav. Coles (dns Bennett)
TE Watson
K Kasay
DEF Da-Bears

Squid Coach sick after celebration bash.

After a one point victory over the Springfield Atoms, the Seaside Squid scored a hash mark in the “Win” column, ending a two game losing streak. Mirroring the previous two seasons of starting with back to back loses, the Squid celebrated after the game with a huge Japanese feast. Team owner, Dave Bargman, along with Team Sensei, Pat Morita brought in special Sushi and Tenpenyaki chefs for the celebration.

After many Saki-bombers, Sapporos and the Squids own Sushi Kelp Brew, the famished team consumed all supplies brought in for the meal. The hungry team demanded more, and a very inebriated Bargman ordered that more be prepared using stock from the Aquariums own tanks. Preparations began but where soon halted by the Squid’s own Offensive coordinator, Admiral Akbar.


“It had become madness!” said Akbar, “We were about to fall into a trap of our desires and wipe out a valuable asset to this organization.

The team stumbled down the road to the nearby Indian casino, Scalpers Pass, to feast on cheap buffet and Fry bread.

It wasn’t until the morning when folks had woken and sobered up that some stock of the Aquarium had been destroyed in food preparation. Among the casualties were 5 sea cumbers, a spider crab, one Swordfish and the Aquariums recent donation, the rare Springfield Three-eyed Goldfish, or "Blinky-fish".

By that afternoon many players as well as Team Coach John Matuzak were feeling ill and had symptons of food poisoning, Matuzak being the worst of the bunch.

Team Doctor, Rex Morgan M.D. commented... "If the "Blinky-Fish" was consumed, who knows what could happen! This fish was still a relative unknown in the scientific community, that is why it was sent here. It could have contained a poison sack like some Puffer fish. If it was cut during preparation it could have fatal effects. It could be that because Coach is already "dead", he can't die more. His lack of life is what could be keeping him alive!"

The loss of the Coach has sent whispers throughout the Squid camp and their Moral center could be lost. This could spell disaster as the Squid have a Big Game this week against the undefeated West Coast Mennonites.

The Las Vegas Bugler is proud to announce the newest addition to our sports reporting team, Skip Bayless of ESPN2's Cold Pizza. Skip's weekly column, "I Think the Opposite of Whatever You Think," will capture his love of debate and will pull no punches.

Mennonites Ripe for Fall Here we are only three weeks into the season and everyone is ready to give West Coast the Culverhouse Cup. For that matter, most people would have signed off on that decision after the draft, without playing one game! I just don't see it. Sure, the Mennonites have Larry Johnson and Ladainian Tomlinson, but that's nothing to get excited about. I don't see either of those guys being able to carry a team for a full thirteen games and the playoffs. On top of that, Eli Manning is playing great ball in the fourth quarters of games, but football is a sixty minute affair! You can't just turn it on and off! These come from behind rallies are going to cost West Coast and cost them dearly. Not all the blame can fall to Manning, though, considering the overrated receiving corps that puts reputation ahead of results. Steve Smith is always an injury risk, Marvin Harrison is running on fumes, and Anquan Boldin has never done anything to impress me, not as a receiver in the NFL, not when he was a quarterback at Florida State. Unless, of course, you think West Coast is skating on thin ice. In that case, I can't believe you would look at a stacked roster like that and draw any conclusion but a Bucco Bruce Bowl title! Are you kidding me? LaDainian Tomlinson and Larry Johnson could each carry a team of Pop Warner kids to eight wins alone, much less together. Add to that the most exciting young quarterback in football, Eli Manning, and his seemingly unlimited supply of receivers--Steve Smith,the greatest receiver in the game today, Marvin Harrison, the greatest receiver in BFL history, and the always dangerous and underappreciated Anquan Boldin--and there's no way to stop this juggernaut. Terrell's Suicide SolutionTerrell Owens deserves our sympathy and understanding after a suicide attempt that revealed just how much the West Virginia receiver takes to heart the criticism hurled at him by fans and the media alike. Depression is not a joke and trying to takes one's own life is not something we can gloss lightly over. I'm far from T.O.'s biggest fan, in fact, I've often said he has a lot to learn about conducting himself both on and off the football field, but perhaps its time that we all be held a bit more accountable for the things we say and print and that we remember, like them or not, these are human beings we're talking about who deserve our respect. But I'm guessing you're going to jump up and down and flail your arms about telling us all how suicide is such a bad thing. Let me tell you, killing himself is the best thing Terrell Owens could possibly do, both personally and professionally. Keep in mind, I've long been on the T.O. bandwagon, but if the criticism that he gets is too much for him to handle, I can't think of any better decision than to end it all. Dying now would launch him into the stratosphere of superstars like Jim Morrison, John Belushi, and Mama Cass Elliot, immortalizing him forever. Now, some will argue that this is a clarion call to rein in the venom that pours out of newspapers, radios, and televisions. They'll suggest ESPN could dedicate only five straight hours to shows with the same nine sports columnists yelling at each other instead of nine. This nation was built on a little thing called the First Amendment, which says--I'm paraphrasing here--that we in the media and in the public are allowed to say anything we want about guys like Owens. If he can't take it, he doesn't have to stand in the spotlight. Circus Bears Still StrongBakersfield may not have a win in a game yet, but they already have one in a more important game: strategy. The Circus Bears are biding their time. This is a veteran team that knows championships aren't won in September. This team has been to three straight Bucco Bruce Bowls, but critics seem to think they've forgotten how to win? Not likely. Peyton Manning is that rare kind of athlete who can elevate his team at any given moment, and that's exactly what he'll do down the stretch, while well-rested Corey Dillon, Ahman Green, and Isaac Bruce will run over, around, and through their tired competition. In the meantime, there's no point in risking injuries or giving away valuable game film for opponents to study. Mark my words, Bakerfield will be eating pudding from the Culverhouse Cup this December and they'll owe it all to their 0-3, 0-4, or 0-however-many-losses-it-takes start-- What's that? Oh, you think Bakersfield is a threat to win it all? What I meant to say then was that Steve Young needs to start cracking the whip and hope it's not to late to instill some discipline in that locker room, starting at the top: Peyton Manning. He needs to go to his quarterback and say, "I don't care how many MVPs you've won. I don't care that you were drafted with the top pick overall. You're job is to win football games and you're not doing that and unless you start you'll be holding a clip board for Mark Brunell!" That's right, I said Mark Brunell, who just might be the best quarterback on the Circus Bear's roster, if not in the entire Williams Division. The wily veteran still has an accurate arm and the insticts and ability to escape pressure in the pocket, which Manning can't do. Not all the blame can fall on Manning's shoulders. Corey Dillon is simply breaking down physically and as good as he once was, it's time for him to sit down. The same goes for Ahman Green and Isaac Bruce, who admittedly is already sitting down, but should sit down even further. Week four may be a little early for a fire sale, but William Shatner needs to smell the smoke and recognize 2006 is a rebuilding year.

Atoms Week 3 Lineup

Springfield Atoms Official Press Release Week 3 Starting Lineup Springfield Atoms Head Coach, Barry Alvarez announced the team's starting lineup for its sold out home opener against the Seaside Squid early this morning. Atoms fans have been scratching their heads lately as Coach Alvarez has started two different quarterbacks in as many weeks, but few have complained about the results; a 2-0 start to the BFL season. This week's lineup will surely lead to more head scratching as quarterback Ben Rothlisberger will get the start for the first time this season. Lineup below: QB: Ben Rothlisberger RB: Steven Jackson RB: Tiki Barber WR: Tory Holt WR: Donald Driver WR: Darrell Jackson TE: Chris Cooley K: Jay Feely D: Seattle

Fifes Rebound Amid Web Launch

Having spent the last two weeks working 16 hours a day at his "other job", Fifes owner Chris Holly stumbled bleary-eyed into the press room and held up a Kyoto Bowl napkin, upon which he had scribbled the Fifes' lineup for this week.

QB --- Donovan McNabb
RB --- Willie Parker
RB --- Warrick Dunn
WR --- Reggie Wayne
WR --- Eric Moulds
WR --- Rod Smith
TE --- Heath Miller
K --- Josh Brown
D --- Jets

Holly then promptly collapsed.

Unity Through Action

Are the Bakersfield Performing Circus Bears worried about their 0-2 start to the season? Two words: Hell no! Everyone in the organization is confident that, had they played anybody else those weeks, they would have won. The Circus Bears simply ran afoul of the hottest teams each week.

So are they fearful of the fact they're playing another hot team in the Toledo Neanderthal? Two words: yeah, kinda.

"We know we're still one of the elite teams in this league," head coach Steve Young said, "and frankly we've been playing like it. Our record is not an indication of this team's ability, it's a sign of how well our competition has played. These first two weeks have seen some high-quality football, and I'm sure this week will be no different. Let's just hope the outcome is in our favor this time."

The team echoed Young's sentiment by remaining upbeat all week while the other 0-2 teams (and strangely some 1-1 teams) wallowed in self-loathing and assigned blame to individual players.

This is the line-up that will bring the Bakersfield Performing Circus Bears their first victory of the season and set the course for another reeturn trip to the Bucco Bruce Bowl:

QB- Peyton Manning
RB- Corey Dillon
RB- Ahman Green
WR- Andre Johnson
WR- Donte Stallworth
WR- Amani Toomer
TE- Jeremy Shockey
K- Neil Rackers
D- Carolina

Mounties look to Kick it into gear

In spite of the kicking difficulties the last 2 weeks, the Mounties hope that this week they will put together a performance against Athens, where the kicking game just won't matter.

QB- Kurt Warner
RB- Ronnie Brown
RB- Reggie Bush
WR- Plaxico Burress
WR- Troy Williamson
WR- Ashley Lelie
TE- Kellen Winslow
D- Miami Dolphins
K- Ryan Longwell (provided he cleared waivers, if not Matt Bryant)