All Dress Up and No Place to Go

The Neanderthal team loaded onto the charter jet at Toledo Express Airport and proceeded to wait for an unusually long time before the pilots took their seats in the cockpit. When asked about the delay head stewardess, Lorrie Cidle, reported that there was some confusion in filing the flight plan. "Apparently neither of the pilots knew where Springfield was."

This is the Atom's inaugural season in the BFL and it wasn't until checking with the main office that we discovered that we were in for a cross country trip to Oregon.

"Oregon?" asked head coach Sam Rutigliano. "You must be kidding. I thought we were going to Illinois or Massachusetts. This team isn't ready for a three time zone change. I don't even know if we will get there on time for the game."

So, Atoms, if we are late, go ahead and start without us. We will pick it up when we get there. Last week we were down by 91 before we started playing and still only lost by 8.

This week's starting lineup:

QB Rex Grossman
RB Frank Gore and Laurence Maroney (If Gore DNS Taylor)
REC Lav. Coles, Joe E Galloway and Javon Walker (DNS R. Moss)
TE Benj Watson
K Kasay
DEF DaBears

Grifters Must Change Lineup Siting the Paul Justin Decision, the BFL commissioner's office ruled that the Sin City Grifters must change their line up for this weekend's game against Moose River. "Even though we've had our season wrapped up for three weeks," Bell whined, "somebody--and I won't name names--some pudding addicted circus freak felt resting MVP candidate and All-BFL quarterback Drew Brees, team captain Chad Johnson, comeback player of the year Deuce McAllister, and the rest of the gang is an insult to a certain 3-9 team that--instead of scouting to decide who it'll be selecting with the first pick in next year's draft--will be vying for a playoff spot!" In response to the ruling, Sin City agreed to start a familiar line up, with the additions of running back Joseph Addai and receiver Devery Henderson. The Grifters, who last week scored more points than any team in the BFL since 2003, trail Toledo by 38 points to be the highest scoring team of the season and have decided to focus on that goal. "We need to outscore the Neanderthal by 39 points for that honor?" Bell asked. "Well, the way Toledo's playing, we may need to score fifty, maybe even sixty points this week to do that." Drew Brees Deuce McAllister Joseph Addai Chad Johnson Larry Fitzgerald Devery Henderson Antonio Gates Adam Vinatieri Broncos

Back to reality

The Woolfs improbable 5-game winning streak will come to a crashing halt this week as they play the best team ever assembled. In an effort to cheat, they will play three guys tonight, then hope no one notices as they play another full team on Sunday. Alas, it would most likely still not be enough.

QB- Carson Palmer
WR- Derrick Mason
DF- Ravens

Bakersfield's Front Office

Ever wonder what it's like to be in the front office of the Bakersfield Circus Bears? Loop this sixty second clip 480 times and see what an eight hour work day would be like.

Mounties Rally; Playoffs!?

Former Mountie Coach Jim Mora could be heard exclaiming "Playoffs!" incredulously on a local radio program yesterday, and quite honestly those around here also can't believe the Mounties have a legitimate shot at qualifying for the 2nd season.

However, with no staff, and Fonzi still recovering physically from his jumping of the shark, the team seemed to rally around new qb Joey Harrington, and the Canadian Thanksgiving to bring home a win.

This week we play Sin City, clearly the most talented team we have faced all year, and if we win, with some help we would qualify to play them again next week in the playoffs. However, owner Ryan Lindstrom, re-iterated again his plan to forfeit the playoff game if the team were to qualify. "We are talking about a 5 win team, that has been last in points scored all year. To reward this kind of effort with a playoff game, is against everything this OrganIzation is about. Win or lose, the season ends this week against the Grifters".

In a show of no support, Lindstrom got into his minivan with his family and headed to the Grand Canyon for a Polar Express trip to the north pole. He left the lineup as follows:

qb: Joey Harrington
rb: Reggie Bush
rb: LenDale White
WR- TJ Houshmanzadeh
WR- Plaxico Burress
WR- Mark Clayton
TE- Jason Witten
K- Laurence Tynes
D- Miami

Brian Billick Given Comfy Chair Jake Bell began his weekly press conference with the normal piss and vinegar, but after urine and acetic acid cocktails were served the tone changed. "Billick, you son of a bitch! If you don't win this week... I suppose there's not really anything I can do about it, is there?" Bell shrugged. The Grifters' general manager admitted that he'd originally planned to threaten Billick's job, as he had before six of the Grifters' eight wins, but upon further reflection on the playoff picture, opted instead to give the coach a full treatment at the Bacon Grease Palace Hotel and Casino day spa and a Lay-Z-Boy recliner with a heated massage unit for his office. "The Mounties declared they would forfeit any playoff game, guaranteeing us a trip to Beverly Hills and a shot at the Bucco Bruce Bowl," Bell pointed out. "The only way they can make the playoffs is if they win and Bakersfield loses. We can't do anything about Bakersfield..." he trailed off, looking to the back of the press room where Billick was stuffing himself with chocolate cake. "You enjoying that coach? Yeah? You deserve it, man! Coach of the year back there, folks!" Further considering the Mounties plight, Bell announced a series of signings and a lineup consisting entirely of free agents. "Come to think of it," Bell stated, "this team has played so hard this year, how about a day at the spa for everyone? How about Sunday?" Kyle Boller Michael Bennett Ron Dayne Keary Colbert Mike Williams Tim Dwight Dave Moore Cole Ford Titans

Atoms Week 12 Lineup

Alvarez Throws out Playbook, opts for Staples Easy Button SPRINGFIELD, (OR)--After an extremely dissapointing loss to West Virginia last week, head coach Barry Alvarez threw out his playbook in disgust, and ordered a Staples Easy Button. "The playbook was making things too hard," said an upbeat Alvarez, "what we need is something that's going to instantly grant us a berth to the playoffs, I'm getting sick and tired of calling plays." Running back Steven Jackson disagreed, "Wait, coach was calling plays last week? You'd never know it from the 34 points we scored." Regardless, the Easy Button will be in full effect this week, and with liberal use and maybe a little point scoring, the team will take down the Circus Bears of Bakersfield. Taking the field for the Atoms in Week Twelve are: QB: Michael Vick RB: Steven Jackson RB: Tiki Barber WR: Torry Holt WR: Darrell Jackson WR: Donald Driver TE: Todd Heap (DNS - Chris Cooley) K: Nate Kaeding D: Seahawks

Playoffs Start Now

For the Bakersfield Performing Circus Bears, the 2006 playoffs start this weekend. After abysmal performances against West Virginia and Sin City, a win today is necessary for the Circus Bears to have a chance at returning to the Bucco Bruce Bowl. It won't be easy, as the Atoms are every bit as good our two previous opponents. Even a victory doesn't guarantee us the playoffs, but coupled with an Athenian loss to West Coast (which will be decided by the time we play Monday night, giving us further motivation) and we're bound for the promised land. But the worst case scenario is going into next weeks game against the Woodchucks tied, or with a one game lead, with the playoffs going to the victor.

That's not something our nerves can put up with right now, so a victory tomorrow night is a necessity. Hopefully the coaches in Springfield realize they've already locked up a playoff appearance and would hate to see any of their star players hurt in a meaningless game.

After last week, everyone needs a bounceback game, especially Peyton Manning. Here's hoping playing against a bunch of guys who had to sacrifice their pinky fingers and dye their skin yellow to fit in with the local populace will be just the remedy for the funk that the Bakersfield Performing Circus Bears are in.

QB- Peyton Manning
RB- Corey Dillon
RB- Ahman Green
WR- Andre Johnson
WR- Keenan McCardell
WR- Isaac Bruce
TE- Jeremy Shockey
K- Jason Elam
D- Carolina Panthers