Team goes on Binge in preparation of Season Opener

Seaside, AZ.

After the apparent success of Thursday Nights Kick-Off Party, where Squid Kicker Adam Vinatieri earned the team an advance 11 points towards this Sundays game, Team officials have decided to prescribe the recipe to the entire team in hopes of similar success.

"We've heard the Mounties had been in training camp down under, playing rugby rules to toughen each other up." said newly resurrected Head Coach John Matuzak. "Though we feel this ploy is as potentially lame as the whole "Caribbean 'Foot'ball debacle" we aren't taking any chances if the training works so before the game each player will be drinking a bottle of Vinatieri's Vengeance Vodka in order to bring them some of the same mojo Adam got. Of course, Adam immediately passed out after the event and is currently in intensive care for alcohol poisoning but team doc Rex Morgan MD says he should be good for next week after a transfusion is finished."

"Since we are hosting the Mounties this week we will be throwing them a pre-game Seafood Buffet on Saturday night." said Team Owner Dave Bargman. "In honor of their Australian training we will be cooking up "Shrimp on the Barbie", bred here at the Aquarium. We got some Vegamite, and Squid GM Billy Dee Williams will be performing on a digeri-do and a bull roarer in honor of his Aboriginal heritage. Yes, Billy Dee is part Aborigine. But we will also have some Canadian food too.... Umm.... Like..... Maple Syrup! Yeah, that's the ticket! Syrup!" Bargman then quickly exited the PR Pavillion.

Matuzak then announced the starting line-up for Week One:

QB- Tom Brady
RB- Maurice Jones-Drew and Ladell Betts
WR- Lee Evans, Reggie Brown and Jerricho Cotchery
TE- Alge Crumpler
PK- Current Comatose Vinatieri
D- Miami

Manning Major Disappointment to Family "What about Eli?" cries little brother LAS VEGAS--Years ago, Eli and Peyton Manning shared roster space on the Bakersfield Circus Bears. They, along with kickers Bill and Martin Gramatica, led several not-so-clever sportswriters to dub Bakersfield the "City of Brotherly Love." "I remember talking to Rhonde," recalls retired BFL star Tiki Barber, "and suggesting we both try to work trades to get ourselves sent there. Then he pointed out that was a stupid idea and that we'd have to live in Vermont, be force fed pudding seven times a day, and wear uniforms that look like we're on our way to a baby shower but are unsure of the child's gender. Rhonde always was the smart one." At the time, it seemed a natural progression for Peyton to take Eli under his wing, teach him the ways of the Circus Bears--including the most opportune times to choke away a championship game and how best to put your own individual stats above team performance--and hand over the reins to return to the draft pool. Unfortunately, Manning the Elder had different plans. "I joined that team," sighs Eli Manning, "having heard all the great things Peyton told me about it and I really looked forward to being a Circus Bear. That year was one of the happiest of my life. Pey-pey and I got bunkbeds! We even took them on the road!" Manning the Younger was convinced he'd be the Circus Bears' quarterback of the future, but after losing Bucco Bruce Bowl IX, Peyton refused to leave. All football experts agreed it was time for Peyton Manning to go. Despite his multiple Selmon Trophies and All-BFL elections, his further presence could only hurt the Circus Bears. But Manning convinced management to mortgage the future of the franchise to keep him around for at least two more years. In doing so, Bakersfield showed little brother Eli the door... and proved the experts correct by finishing in last place for the 2006 season. "Devastated doesn't begin to describe it," sniffles Manning the Younger. "My own brother stabbed me in the back. It was like something out of Shakespeare. Or at least I assume Shakespeare wrote about stuff like that. Coach always hired some nerds to read stuff like that for me at Ole Miss." Manning comforted himself with booze and blondes, neither of which were in abundance in the rural farming community of the Mennonites. "Sometimes I'd have to take a horse and buggy half... maybe three-quarters of a mile to find any kind of nightlife in greater Los Angeles." While Eli was able to return to the Bucco Bruce Bowl, was he really dreamed about was returning to Bakersfield. "This summer, the Circus Bears announced my brother would be directing the team's draft. I knew... KNEW I was heading back. At the end of the second round, I looked him directly in the eyes as he stood at that podium to make two back-to-back picks and I inched forward in my seat, anticipating hearing my name and joining him on stage." Instead, his older brother called on Cedric Benson and Brandon Jacobs. Eighteen picks later, the scene repeated with DeShaun Foster and Jamal Lewis being added to the Circus Bears. Eli Manning was instead stolen by Sin City. "I couldn't believe he was still there," smiles owner Jake Bell. "We already had Drew [Brees] but when talent like Eli is just sitting there, you stop worrying about position and leap at opportunity. Not to mention he's probably the only guy I know who hates Peyton Manning more than I do." Eli will sit on the bench for this season's opener, but will always root for his brother's humiliation. Drew Brees Joseph Addai Willis McGahee Chad Johnson Braylon Edwards Kevin Curtis Todd Heap Josh Brown Jaguars

Squid "Kick-Off" Year with Returning Favorite

Seaside, AZ.

A familiar face to Squid fans has once again rejoined the fold and doned the eye-pleasing tan and green... Place-kicker Adam Vinatieri struck a deal with GM Billy-Dee Williams to once again score points for the tentacled grid-iron machines. In a special event hosted by the Squid and with support from the BFL back offices, Vinatieri will hold a "Thursday Night Kick-off Party". The Squid Kicker will be introducing a new hard liquor, to be distributed by Six-Kitten, to the public called "Vinatieri's Vengence Vodka". The All-star will consume a bottle of the booze and then kick extra points and Field-goals. Every successful attempt will earn the team points towards this coming Sunday's game. "We're shameless promoters of out Liquor line" said Team owner Dave Bargman. "During the discussion of the event, BFL officials, who are by nature gambling people, said that there was no way that Vinatieri would ever be able to kick after downing and entire bottle of what is essentially rubbing alcohol mixed with model plane fuel. We took that bet and said that not only could he do it but if he did then we should get the points. They went for it. I just hope the blindness doesn't hit him too soon. Best of luck Adam!"

Mennonites early players

The Mennonites are sending in Devery Henderson and Marvin Harrison to get some early work in on the first week of the BFL Season.

Why do they call it Fantasy Football anyway?

Special Commentary by Andy Rooney:

Isn’t there already enough fantasy in football already, why do we need more? The game of football is played by moving an invisible line, called the line of scrimmage, across the field. The ball has to be advanced past another invisible line ten yards down the field for a team to be awarded a first down. At least on TV that line is now marked with a big yellow stripe across the field where it theoretically should be. Why such a bright yellow though? It’s like the color of my urine when I remember to take my vitamin, plus it hurts my old eyes. Can’t they tone it down a little? Maybe a nice muted blue or something. Why do we need a line at all? Have we gotten so bad at math that we can’t add 10 to another number?

The fantasy in football doesn’t end at the invisible lines on the field either. The field itself is sometimes referred to as a gridiron. A grid what? I know what a grid is and I know what an iron is, but I can’t for the life of me understand what a gridiron does. Should I use it to press my pants, or plot a graph? It’s a silly word.

Pigskin is silly too, as the ball is made out of leather.

Listen to some of these other words that don’t accurately describe what something is in football. A “snap” is the initial backwards movement of the ball to the quarterback when a play starts. At my age, nothing’s a snap, let alone crouching down and moving.

“Clipping” is a penalty where a player blocks another player by hitting him from behind and below the waist. That doesn’t make any sense at all. I don’t hit my nose hairs from behind, in fact , these days I hardly even clip them.

Lastly, the “placekicker” doesn’t kick a place, he kicks a ball. Shouldn’t he be the ball kicker? My friend’s ex-wife used to be a real ball kicker.

I think it would be nice if we were just happy with the fantasy already in football rather than trying to add to it. Fantasy football sounds like too much work to me, and no one should fantasize about work.

Manning PSA Debuts Tonight

The Grifters and Circus Bears will kick off the season tonight in Bakersfield with the league's top two quarterbacks from last season both looking to get their teams off to a winning start of the season. Manning reportedly spent the last two weeks following the draft sitting in the bathtub of his Las Vegas hotel, no doubt trying to figure out whether Brandon Jacobs is an actual player or if Grifters general manager Jake Bell fooled him with a made up name.

Fans who tune in tonight will also catch Manning's United Way public service announcement, shot in the week before the draft.
"It was very exciting to get Peyton to be a part of our ad," smiled United Way spokesman Archie Manning. "There are still at least seven commercials on broadcast television that don't feature my son, but by the end of the season we hope to have it down to two or less. We've had some very positive discussions with the Massengil people."

Springfield Atoms Week One Lineup

Atoms owner Rob Hart returned to Springfield from the BFL draft in Las Vegas broke and dejected, the proud owner of a team replete with running backs from teams who feature a running back by committee, and second or third receivers from teams that don’t throw the ball. At least at running back the team still has Steven Jackson, and at wide receiver, newcomer Anquan Boldin, but the other positions don’t even fare that well. The aging Brett Favre returns to the team this year to once again take the reigns at quarterback, and should his performance become questionable, he will be backed up by the equally unpredictable Rex Grossman and Damon Huard. Starting at Tight End is Tony Gonzales, who is backed up by Leonard Pope who had a mere 16 receptions for 161 yards last year and Bubba Franks who blocks better than he catches at this late stage in his career.

Before all hope is lost though, remember that last year’s Atoms team didn’t look all that great on paper either. The fact of the matter is that prognostications, and pre-season analysis is just guessing, and no one knows what’s going to happen until the season actually starts. Injuries and roster moves mid-season dictate success more than anything. Sometimes a team will get lucky with the players they draft, but success in the BFL means paying attention to the waiver wires, injury reports, and simply outscoring whoever you’re playing that week. So, while the Atoms may look like a sad sack now, it would be wise to refrain from judging them until your team has beaten them.

Here’s to Football and another Fantasy Season!

The Atoms Starting Lineup will be:

QB: Brett Favre
RB: Steven Jackson
RB: Ronnie Brown
WR: Anquan Boldin
WR: Vincent Jackson
WR: Joe Horn
TE: Tony Gonzales
K: Olindo Mare
D: Green Bay

Sam versus Mike----Again

The Neanderthal broke training camp on Thursday morning and set up shop in the bowels of the Glass Bowl and awaited the arrival of the Mennonites. While most of the starting positions were presumed to be set in stone, fans anxiously await the naming of the starting quarterback.
"Both Donovan and Big Ben had outstanding camps" reported qb coach Brian Sipe. "It will be Sam's call."
Coach Rutigliano will surely invite Coach Ditka to meet him for dinner at Tony Packo's on Saturday night to commemorate their tenure as the only coaches that have been with their respective BFL franchises for the entire history of the league. "I admit that I haven't won it all," said Sam, "but I've never had a O-fer either. Let's just say that Mike and I are cut from the same cloth and we look forward to this game every year."
Team owner, Gene Bell, hopes that the team can find a starting lineup and play it week in and week out. "I just want to find a first string and 'Let It Ride'. This theory worked for me after the draft so why shouldn't it work for the season?'

QB McNabb
RB Gore and Maroney
REC "Carolina Steve" Smith, Colston, Walker
TE Watson
K Kaeding
DEF Ravens

Mounties Return to Roots; Aim to Get Tougher

Coach Fonzarelli felt his team was soft last year. So much so, he has made it his mission in the offseason and camp to bring toughness to the Mounties. After discussing with owner, Ryan Lindstrom, the Mounties returned this week to the South Pacific- not to their former floating stadium when they were known as the wombats, but to their friends down under- Australia.

There, Coach Fonzi, led the team through rigorous 2 a day practices with every Australian Rules Football team on the continent. The hope was to provide the team a tatse of what "real" football is about. No pads, lots of kicking of footballs, strange scoring systems, and needing to bounce the ball every few feet. While this exercise could be good for Jason Hanson, it remains to be seen what good it will do for the anemic offense that existed last year.


Rules aside, the team did get rather confused being on the other side of the international date line, and as a result the entire team is already suited up and ready to play. A couple of them might actually get in the game tonight, the rest will just have a few more days to get used to all those pads!

QB- Jon Kitna
RB- Reggie Bush
RB- Cadillac Williams
WR- TJ HOushmanzadeh
WR- Torry Holt
WR- Calvin Johnson
TE- Jason Witten
K- Jason Hanson
D- Chargers

Fifes Are Back; Interest Limited

MAYBERRY, N.C. --- Coach Barry Sanders today unveiled the Fifes first starting lineup of the 2007-2008 BFL season. New additions Matt Hasselbeck, Travis Henry and Edgerrin James were tabbed for the start, as well as longtime Fifes veteran receivers Reggie Wayne, Deion Branch, and newcomer Larry Fitzgerald. Rounding out the crew were TE Vernon Davis, K Robbie Gould, and D Tennessee.

When asked whether the usual Fifes' collapse was scheduled for week 2 or week 3, Coach Sanders reminded the press corps that typically the Fifes tread water for the first five weeks or so before giving in to bad performance and apathy around the week 6 mark.

It's a Home Game?!

Following what many in the Bakersfield Performing Circus Bears organization thought to be our finest draft (no surprise really, as we think that same thing every year), knowing that our first game was going to be against the Grifters, the team decided to stay in Las Vegas for an extended vacation. Because what better way is there for a bunch of guys to bond than a week-and-a-half of excessive drinking, sleep deprivation and debauchery? Practice? C'mon, we're professional! It's not like we haven't played football before. It's not like the fundamentals of the game have changed, so we're good.

That is until about 3 minutes ago when it was discovered by Jason Elam and Matt Bryant that we were in fact playing our first game of the season at home in Bakersfield. We now have approximately 80 hours to track down 50 or so players and coaches spread across the Las Vegas strip and take a train ride from Nevada to Vermont.

Thankfully Peyton Manning was the easiest to find, since all he does is sit in his hotel room's unfilled bathtub practicing plays. So we're chartering a private plane to fly him back as our advance man, and- if need be- take on the entire Grifters team single-handed.

It's not like Peyton hasn't carried us before!

Waive Reggie Williams Sign Michael Pittman

Toledo