From the Outhouse to the Penthouse Grifters could lead division LAS VEGAS--In typically overreactive fashion, the mood at Grifters practice underwent drastic change in the past week. Where seven days ago the men in crimson and black carried themselves like condemned prisoners marching to the electric chair, today Sin City's finest are talking championship. "That seems like a lifetime ago," mused tight end Todd Heap. "That Circus Bears loss was a shocker. It took a lot out of us. We ended that game as the worst team in the division. Ever since, though, we've improved every day and are poised to be the best of the best." At 1-1, the Grifters will take on McKay-leading 2-0 Mayberry. A victory will put the team atop the division. "This is a true Cinderella story," wept receiver Mark Clayton who appeared to be overcome with emotion but in fact was in extreme pain having played two weeks in a row on an ankle that was swollen to the size of a glazed ham. Clayton will rest this week, stepping aside for Kevin Curtis. Drew Brees Joseph Addai Willis McGahee Chad Johnson Kevin Curtis Braylon Edwards Todd Heap Josh Brown Panthers

The Gift That Keeps on Giving?

Okay, remember the thought last week about how much we enjoy letting everybody in on the fun? Even when it might mean giving away a win? Yeah, about that...

I'm glad that if it had to happen it was against an organization I respect like the Toledo Neanderthal. I hope you enjoyed the gift, Neanderthal; we expect something in return later in the season.

As for this week, the Bakersfield Performing Circus Bears are taking a decidedly un-Circus like attitude: we are going for the kill. That's right, this week it isn't about how much fun it is to play the game, but about savoring the pain we can inflict on an organization that is second only to the Grifters on our list of nemeses. We're talking about those God-hugging Mennonites. (I mean, really, who thought it was a good idea to play football in wool uniforms and wood helmets? Where was that written in your hand-printed and cloth-bound bible?)

The West Coast ownership has already displayed how much they fear our blood lust this week by refusing to talk to the media, simply handing in a line-up without so much as a giant corn-meal "We're #1" finger on said hand (because, you know, they don't believe in foam).

Keep a close eye on our sidelines during the game. That won't be Gatorade or pickle juice our players will be drinking. It will be blood, and it will be warm because it will be fresh from the gaping wounds inflicted on Mennonite players during the course of the game*! Blah-lah-la-la-la! (That's suppose to sound menacing, so go back and read it again while doing a Christopher Walken impression.)

Here's the Circus Bears line-up that will Perform the Blood-letting:

QB- Peyton Manning (DNP Peyton Manning)
RB- Jamal Lewis (DNP DeShaun Foster)
RB- Cedric Benson (DNP Brandon Jacobs [DNP Maurice Morris])
WR- Andre Johnson (DNP Brandon Stokley)
WR- Donald Driver (DNP Bryant Johnson)
WR- Isaac Bruce (DNP Muhsin Muhammad)
TE- Jeremy Shockey (DNP Dallas Clark)
K- Jason Elam (DNP Matt Bryant)
D- New England (DNP Indianapolis)

*How the blood from the Mennonite wounds will make it into the coolers has not yet been determined. Therefore it cannot be guaranteed that drinking of Mennonite blood will actually occur.

Squid to try it Buzzed at the Parthenon.

Seaside, AZ.

They tired it drunk in Week One: LOSS

They tried it sober in Week Two: LOSS

This week the Squid will try it with a good buzz on in hopes of a: WIN.

"We brought in a team of Red Robin "Mixologists" to brew up something new for this weeks game" said Team GM Billy Dee Williams. "I think they got something for us. A strange mixed- drink that won't get us totally drunk, but will get a buzz going for the game. It is stocked with protein powder and other ingredients to keep our boys going for the whole game but loose at the same time. I think they are calling it "Ass-kickin' Ambrosia" in honor of our Greek opponents. I also believe we will be having a large supply of Windex on hand for injuries and cure-alls. I saw that Greek movie with the guy from Northern Exposure the other night and thought, 'Hey... if can work for them it can work for us!'"

Coach Matuzak then took the mic to announce the line-up for this week. "We were going to start the O-town defense this week, but they have it in their contract that they have week 3 off so they plan to ride the BART into San Fran for the weekend. There shouldn't be a big surprise this week in terms of the line-up. We hope that some of these jack-asses get their gear together and start winning some games! If we end up 0-3 the plane trip home will be a long and painful one."

QB- Tom Brady
RB- Maurice Jones-Drew, Clinton Portis
WR- Lee Evans, Jerricho Cotchery, Reggie Brown
TE- Alge Crumpler
PK- Adam Vinatieri
D- Miami (ug!)

Mennonites lineup

QB: ROMO-sexual

RB: Tomlinson and Johnson

WR: Harrison, T.O., and Berrian

TE: Graham

PK: Wilkins

Defense: Pitt

Woodchucks Homecoming

Athens, Greece - "It is always nice to come home from your first road trip victorious. It is even better sticking it to the trash talking owner of the Mennonites. Yes, Greg, we did enjoy ourselves immensely in the ass whooping we layed down on your team. Now for this week's matchup. Pairing a 2-0, highest scoring team in the league against a 0-2, second lowest scoring team in the league does seem off. But we will remain focused and will not overlook this opponent. The mighty Squid get to travel overseas to visit The Pantheon. Fans are getting crazy again in Athens, riding the last two wins. We will not disappoint, 3-0 here we come," said head coach John Elway in a press interview this week. Owner Brian Birch then announced the starting lineup:

QB - Marc Bulger
RB - Brian Westbrook, Rudi Johnson
WR - Randy Moss, Santana Moss, Joey Galloway
TE - Antonio Gates
PK - Neil Rackers
Def - Bears

It's Not a Race Issue

As the Neanderthal made their final preparations for hosting this week's McKay division contest with the defending champions Atoms, coach Sam made the first major move of the season announcing that Donovan McNabb would be benched in favor of Big Ben Roethlisberger.

"It's not a matter of race." added quarterbacks coach Brian Sipe. "We just think that Donovan needs some more time for his knee to heal. Also, Ben is an Ohio boy and played many games at the Glass Bowl when he starred for the Redskins of Miami of Ohio."

General Manager Tonda was seen whispering something to the coach who continued, "I don't care what they are called now, they will always be the Redskins to me." Tonda then announced that the team had signed a new kicker, Jeff Reed, who is also expected to start this week for the cavemen. Wide out Patrick Crayton was released

Prior to announcing the starting lineup coach Sam reminded the assemblage that he never expects his players to be named "player of the week" although it is a tremendous honor, because Toledo has always had a team concept, unlike other BFL franchises who sacrifice team for one star player. "However, when one of our guys makes the "all disappointment team, well, then I need to do something. Unfortunately for Nate, this is two in a row and while Donovan put up respectable numbers, I agree with Brian that we need to give Big Ben a look.

QB Big Ben
RB Gore and Maroney
REC "Carolina Steve" Smith, Walker and Colston
TE Big Ben Watson
K Jeff Reed
DEF Ravens

NOTE: No predictions from the other league this week, as team owner, Gene Bell, is on his way to Vegas to collect his winnings from Week 1 and laying another parlay for this week.

Shocked Grifters Try to Avoid 0-2 "Fuckin' Manning," says everyone who loves football LAS VEGAS--In his ongoing attempt to ruin football for everyone, Peyton Manning carried a terrible team to victory over the Grifters in the season opener. Against the ropes, Sin City now faces another team in the same situation. West Virginia was caught by surprise in Athens last week. "I was watching that game," recalled owner Jake Bell, "and I was shocked to see how the Woodchucks were coming at them from all angles. I wonder what it would be like to lose to a well-rounded, multi-dimensional team rather than one guy who puts himself above 'team' and who hasn't had a referee's call go against him since he was in college." Beginning the season 0-2 could be devastating for either West Virginia or Sin City, both projected to be Bucco Bruce Bowl contenders. Drew Brees Joseph Addai Willis McGahee Chad Johnson Mark Clayton Braylon Edwards Todd Heap Josh Brown Jaguars

Springfield Atoms - Week 2 Lineup

Have to make it a quick one this week. A revamped Springfield team will hopefully make it a game this week against Moose River.

QB: Brett Favre
RB: Steven Jackson
RB: Chris Brown
WR: Anquan Boldin
WR: Shaun McDonald
WR: Vincent Jackson
TE: Tony Gonzalez
K: Olino Mare
D: Green Bay

Great Matchup for Woodchucks = Easy Win For WC

We at the Mennonites Organization are glad that the Woodchucks think we are a great matchup. However, the Mennonites feel that these offerings of a game are fairly paltry when it comes to real competition. So, we are glad that you woodchucks feel happy about this week and we wonder if you will be as happy when you are beaten.....

QB: Tony Romo

RB: Ladainian Tomlinson and Adrian Peterson

WR: Marvin Harrison, Bernard Berrian, and T.O.

TE: Daniel Graham

PK: Wilkins

Defense: Pitt

Great Matchup

We are looking forward to today's game. The Mennonites looked great in their opener, and we feel that we matchup well and can take this game. Commented owner Birch, "The team did pretty much everything we wanted last week, and we are confident this will be a solid season for us." Asked about the play of Santana Moss and Rudi Johnson, Birch replied, "Who? I do remember the other Moss, Coles, and Gates though."

QB - Marc Bulger
RB - Rudi Johnson
WR - Randy Moss, Sanata Moss, and Lav. Coles
TE - Antonio Gates
PK - Neil Rackers
Def - Bears