The Final Frontier

Having kept himself from the spotlight for far to long, William Shatner put a quick end to that with a brief leap and karate chop. "Hi-yah! That's right, pansies, I've been here these last two weeks and I don't like what I've been seeing! Things... are about... to get dangerous... KEEYAH!!" Another hop and a series of quickly thrown punches aimed both everywhere and nowhere followed as Shatner waded into the audience that was the complete Bakersfield Performing Circus Bears team.

"How could you lose... to the Menonites? Of all the teams... Well, that's behind us, and we've got to look ahead... to the North... a frontier both wild and exotic. Dare I say?... worth Mounting?" Shatner paused and serveyed the room, seemingly judging whether or not anyone, himself included, understood what he was saying.

"Don't you see?! We must defend what is ours, or be forced to take it... from those who took it... from us!!" Sweat started beading on his brow, as he jerked nervously from side to side. "This is all his doing... don't you see?"

Shatner pulled himself right into the face of Jamal Lewis, so close it looked like he was wanting Lewis to swallow him like the last bite of a sandwich that you know is too large to be eaten in one bite but you still put in your mouth, almost choking as you chew it up. "Kahn... is... alive!" he coursely whispered, audible only to the few seated nearest to Lewis.

Trent Green, seated just out of that range, was the first to speak after a few tense moments of silence. "Um, who's alive?"

That was a mistake.

William Shatner lept back and spun like a 70 year old tiger born in captivity and kept alive well past when he should have met his lethargic demise. He took in a breath that could have filled eighteen balloons when exhaled, but instead bellowed out one word. Specifically, a name:

"KAHN!"

Even though the name was shouted in the middle of a large stadium made of canvas, it echoed for an eternity.

QB- Peyton Manning
RB- Brandon Jacobs (DNP Jamal Lewis)
RB- Cedric Benson
WR- Andre Johnson (DNP Muhsin Muhammad)
WR- Donald Driver
WR- Isaac Bruce
TE- Jeremy Shockey
K- Jason Elam
D- New England

Fifes Welcome Cavemen

MAYBERRY, N.C. --- After a disappointing loss last week, the Fifes are happy to welcome visiting Toledo to the warm, moist, and somewhat creepy confines of the Fishin' Hole.

"Those Neanderthal are a hoot," said Fifes RB Edgerrin James. "I mean, you'd think they'd be stupid, but --- get this --- they're actually sophisticated beings with the same thoughts, desires, and feelings as you and me! I mean, just the other day I was talking to Donovan McNabb, and he told me about how this one time he had to take a call from his mom while in the middle of a therapist session! He even put it on speakerphone! Boy, someone should do a whole series of neverending commercials about this idea, no matter how vaguely related it is to car insurance! Maybe even a whole TV show!"

QB --- Matt Hasselbeck
RB --- Edgerrin James
RB --- Willie Parker
WR --- Reggie Wayne
WR --- Deion Branch
WR --- Wes Welker
TE --- Kellen Winslow
K --- Robbie Gould
D --- Dallas

Wins and Rumors Abound in Athens

Athens, Greece – The town is abuzz with victory euphoria and with anxiety over rumors of the Woodchucks leaving the fair city of Athens once more. Wins and moves go together in Woodchuck history and some new rumors have reared their ugly heads. Head coach John Elway addressed the press this week. “Where we play does not matter much to me. How we play is what I am focused on.”

Owner Brian Birch had a slightly different message. “Some video footage has been leaked to the press, and I won’t lie to you. Although small, red, and furry, this Elmo guy can seriously put together an offer. And when he feels that the offer is not being taken seriously, the little beast can put some heat on you. The video showed the cute, lovable side of Elmo. But take a look at this more accurate picture of the creature we were dealing with.

But we are not soft. We know how to deal with bullies like this in Athens.

But now to the team, we are feeling great this year. The sole undefeated team, the highest scoring team, all in a very tough conference. This year is stacking up to be one which may end with the first three time BBB champions. But if any team can play the spoiler, it is the Grifters. In reviewing game tapes, the organization has decided that QB Marc Bulger is more suited to be fetching water for the team than directing this powerful offence.” With that announcement, the team roster versus the Grifters this week was posted.

QB – Chad Pennington
RB – Brian Westbrook, Rudi Johnson
WR – Randy Moss, Lav. Coles, Joey Galloway
TE – Antonio Gates
PK – Matt Stover
Def – Bears

Cavemen Off to Mayberry

It may be early in the year but Toledo is faced with a must win situation this week end when we travel south of the Mason-Dixon line for our yearly helping of down home cooking, the Mayberry way.

The Neanderthal expect to cause as much consternation to the good fans of the Fifes as Jimmy the exploding goat. This time, however, when Barney plays his French Harp the sad tune will signal a big loss for the hometown boys.

Our line-up will be
QB McNabb
RB Gore and Maroney
REC Steve "the only one left" Smith, Walker and Burress (anyone DNP S. Holmes)
TE Watson
K Kaeding
DEF Ravens

In news of the other league last week went 4-1 which in parlay terms means I lost. Congrats to Robbie who went 4-0-3 which should mean about $100. This week I'll take Green Bay -1.5, Jets -3.5 and Chargers -11.5

Woodchucks Moving?

The Woodchucks are in leading their division and the fans in Athens haven't been this excited about football since... well, since the last time the Woodchucks packed up and left town, abandoning their fans without so much as leaving a twenty on the dresser. Now, video has surfaced giving many the sinking feeling that Athens may not be playing in Athens much longer.

In the video in question, BFL front office player liaison Eric Mangini and Woodchucks quarterback and receiver Chad Pennington and Laveranues Coles discuss the possibility of relocating with a neighborhood leader in New York City known as Elmo. Mangini asks Elmo directly "Were you thinking about football?" and when Elmo answers affirmatively, Pennington adds they were as well.

Elmo confirms the identities of the men at the meeting, mentioning them all by name. Mangini and the players then ask Elmo to "practice" and "train" with them. These words are believed to be a code meaning, "Give us a big bribe and we'll move the Woodchucks here, totally screwing over our fans.""We are appalled to find something like this coming out the week before we play Athens," lamented Grifters owner Jake Bell. "What a terrible distraction this must be for the Woodchucks. Also, I feel bad for their fans who have been so terribly wronged by the whole situation. If the Woodchucks wanted to stay home on Monday to smooth things over and just forfeit this game, I wouldn't blame them at all."

Eli Manning
Joseph Addai
Willis McGahee
Chad Johnson
Kevin Curtis
Braylon Edwards
Todd Heap
Josh Brown
Texans

GRIFTERS GIVE 70'S ROCKERS SOUP Sparing no expense, the Sin City Grifters have hired late 60's-early 70's rock band Three Dog Night to name this week's line up against undefeated Williams Division-leading Athens. "It wasn't easy," smiled Grifters owner Jake Bell. "They were pretty adamant about this county fair they had to play in Nebraska, but when I told them they could have a free room at the Bacon Grease Palace and an all-you-can-eat pass to the famous Fazoli Bros. soup buffet, they were so excited about the prospect of sleeping indoors that they jumped at the chance." Three Dog Night, famous for singing "Joy to the World," "One," and "Mama Told Me (Not to Come)," became popular in the pre-MTV era of rock and roll due in no small part to the fact that without music videos no one could see how horribly ugly they were. "That's not really a fair observation," argued Bell. "Everyone was ugly in the 70's. It's as though the entire decade just had a layer of grease on it. Look at these Playboy centerfolds I've provided for you. These were considered the most beautiful women in the world before I was born and if a girl that looked like Mercy Rooney or Marilyn Cole walked into a bar today, she'd be buying me drinks." He added, "Based on my research, it appears the razor wasn't invented until 1985." In light of Drew Brees throwing seven interceptions and only one touchdown through the first three games of the season, including four last week against Mayberry, it's anyone's guess what Danny Hutton and the crew will have to say...

Kitna Proves: Toughness Regiment Working

Early in the game last week for the Atoms, Mounties QB Jon Kitna suffered what doctors called a Concussion. Only to return one quarter later and lead his team to victory and a 2-0 start. After the game Coach Fonzarelli gave us a lecture, including pictures, showing how his plan for making the team tougher is already showing results. Below is an excerpt from that lecture:

"You see Kitna's MRI here, taken dhortly after he received the Hit. Now what you are looking for is any kind of color. Color shows that part of the brain is functioning and really what leads to doctors clearing the player to play."


"As you can see Jon's mri showed a tremendous amount of activity." Now let me show you Jon's MRI after the first practice we held in Melbourne, where in fact he also suffered a concussion"


"As you can see no color. It is clear through constant practice and head punding we have trained his brain to be able to absorb the punishment and keep functioning as though nothing happened. Can you dig it!"

This week, the concussion proof Jon Kitna and his team look to go to 3-0 versus their arch nemisis, Michael Moore and the Woolfs. A win will go a long way to starting the season on the right foot.


QB- Concussion Proof Jon Kitna
RB- Reggie Bush
RB- Cadillac Williams
WR- TJ Houshmanzadeh
WR- Tory Holt
WR- Calvin Johnson
TE- Jason Witten
D- Broncos
K- Jason Hanson