Ike & Edgerrin's Excellent Abventure

William Shatner jumped

And then he was simply gone. One second he was stranded with the rest of the Bakersfield Performing Circus Bears organization in the Blue Area of the moon, specifically the lunar residence of the Most Interesting Man in the World, and then he vanished. The rest of the team were in shock at what they had just seen. For what felt like hours (but was really only a few seconds), nobody spoke.

Finally Stoney Case stammered out a few words. "I th-th-think the D-D-Devil finally claimed Mr. Shatner's soul."

"Don't be ridiculous!" Adam Vinatieri countered. "It was obviously magic. Smoke and mirrors, that's all. Shatner's hiding around here somewhere because he knew we were about ready to lynch him."

"Ah, I don't see any smoke." Vernon Davis whispered.

L.J. Smith violently shook his head. "Why the hell am I even hear?! I'm allergic to pudding! I knew signing with this team was going to get me effed!"

Chaos errupted, and it took a few mighty slaps from Mr. T to mellow the crowd. "You fools! Chill out! If we don't think of somethin', we're gonna die up here. Now, c'mon, think. Most of you got college degrees. Which one of you got one that would help us build a rocketship?"

Again, silence.

Finally, Edgerrin James, who had yet to acknowledge that anything had happened, smoke-up.

"Hey, why don't we just write a note to ourselves in the future. We're all millionaires, we can pool our money and offer a reward to whomever can build a time machine to come back in time and rescue us."

If there were crickets on the moon you would have heard them.

Then Ike Hilliard gave it a shot. "No, Edge's got a point. I wasn't a Circus Bear at the time, but I remember something a few years back about some of you guys visiting an alternate reality and some of your duplicates came to our universe for a while. Maybe we can send them a message to come over and play this week's game for us. Y'know, pretend to be us until we can get home."

Steve Young had had enough. "Everybody shut up! This is absurd! We're on the fricking moon, and we just watched a man disappear before our very eyes! We're listening to guys talk about time-travel and parallel universes like they're everyday occurances! What has become of the world we live in?! Where is God that these events could happen?! I donshfevbn--" And then Steve Young suffered a spontanious concussion and passed out.

"Anybody got a pencil?" Edgerrin James asked. Joe Bugel pulled one out of the waistband of his ductape astronaut suit and handed it to Edge. Edgerrin thanked him, then laid down on the floor, propped his head on his left hand, stuck out his tongue and furrowed his brow as though serious concentration were necessary to write a note to his future self. While kicking his legs in the air, James wrote:

Remember to build a time machine. Come back to today and save the Circus Bears on the moon. Don't forget about the football game.

After writing it, he folded the note into a paper football and put it into his pocket. As soon as James removed his hand from his pocket three surprising events happened.

First, the light signifying that a ship was docking came on. Second, a bright light that actually seemed to be a hole in the fabric of time and space opened in the middle of the room, and two men stepped out of it. Third, a disheveled William Shatner blinked back into existence.

What could all of this mean?! And will there be reinforcements for Brandon Jacobs in time to win the game?

Stay tuned! But just in case, expect the following players to be under The Big Top for the Bakersfield Peforming Circus Bears home opener:

QB- Peyton Manning (DNP Brett Favre)
RB- Steven Jackson (DNP Edgerrin James)
RB- Brandon Jacobs
WR- Andre Johnson
WR- Marvin Harrison (DNP Isaac Bruce)
WR- Donald Driver
TE- Vernon Davis
K- Adam Vinatieri
D- Minnesota

Line Up Change

Jamal Lewis, one of the few Neanderthal to be honored with post season hardware, albeit the 2005 Alvin Harper Cup, seems to be living up to his old reputation as it has been reported that he slipped on some fat back and reinjured his ham string while visiting the Ruby Diner in Dog River. "Dog River. Moose River. I get kinda confused sometimes," this week's number two running back told "The Howler", Dog River's kinda weekly news sheet. "
Coach Marty, who was with the rest of the squad in Moose River, said he was beginning to see how coaching in the BFL ages some coaching legends and drives them to early retirement.

Bench Lewis

Start Larry Johnson

Whiskey purchase halted by Fife camp

Seaside, AZ.

The purported "backdoor" purchase of Ten High Whiskey earlier in the week was tripped up when the sale was contested by a member of the Fife Camp. Otis Campbell has stumbled forward to claim that the recipe to Ten High was developed by him and that he final say in the sale. Campbell claims that a clause in the contract that was developed with Constellation Spirits states that he has the final word on any Marketing/Sale changes dealing with Ten High which he says was a recipe passed down from the generations of Drunken Applalacian dwelling Hillbillies. The matter is currently being reviewed by the courts in an emergancy session to be held on Saturday. It is said that due to the sensative nature of the alcohol debate, a special Judge will be appointed.

The Most Interesting Man in the World will act as a "mediator" of sorts between the two parties because "I don't often drink whiskey..... but when I do, its Ten High!" News of the proceedings will follow soon as the case is discussed.

In related news it appears that the BFL has granted Clinton Portis the seasons first "Eager Beaver" Award for his pregame dedication and granted him a total of 84 rushing yards for his week long workout. Coach John Matuzak has also released the rest of this weeks starting lineup:

QB- Brady (DNP/DNS: Cutler)

RB- Reggie Bush

WR- T.O. Nate Burleson, Justin Gage

TE- Heap

PK- Gostkowski

D- JAX

Bulger Has a Chubby

(Charleston, WV--AP) For the first time in his life, Marc Bulger will play professionally in the same state where he went to college. But the first few seconds of the former WVU star's Woolfs career didn't go so well. "When I heard they drafted me, I literally spit out the prune juice with Metamucil I was drinking," said Bulger. "And when I took a step, I slipped and fell. Luckily, I have Life Alert... so even though I had fallen and couldn't get up, some nice man on the other end of the line sent help."Woolfs GM Michael Moore, still coasting after following up back-to-back titles with two sub-par seasons, says he doesn't understand why none of the experts believes that Bulger can rejuvenate his career in West Virginia. "It's a conspiracy," lamented Moore. "I'm going to use disjointed sound-bites and staged dialogue to present a biased piece of fiction-- cleverly disguised as a 'documentary'-- to show that Marc Bulger should be an All-Pro." Moore then rambled on for 15 minutes about how he hates everything about this country and what it's become-- before demanding a Piña Colada from his assistant, retreating to his limo, and heading back to his $10 million home to spend the day lounging by his 2000 sq. foot pool as topless hookers feed him cheeseburgers.In a related note, the Woolfs have hired Waldorf and Statler-- the infamous balcony Muppets-- as Co-Offensive Coordinators. Owner Rick Lord denies the hire was a not-so-thinly veiled attempt to make Bulger appear younger. "I just always liked the Muppet Show," said Lord. "I never understood why those old guys kept coming to the show, just to complain about every act. It kind of reminds me of our fans the last two years. Besides, their comments were always crude and snippy-- and who here doesn't like crude and snippy? I mean, come on!"
Perhaps in an effort to give his old QB some confidence, and subconciously bring Bulger back to his college days in Morgantown, the team is promoting the game as if they will playing a bunch of drunk Frat boys, not an actual Greek pro team. Beer Bongs will be passed out to the first 1000 fans, and a "Sorority" has been hired to "greet" the Woodchucks with a "welcome party" the night before the game. QB- Marc Bulger
RB- Brian Westbrook
RB- Marshawn Lynch
WR- Braylon Edwards
WR- Marques Colston
WR- Anquan Boldin
TE- Heath Miller
PK- Phil Dawson
DF- Tennessee

Eight Win Guarantee Grifters Receiver Puts Promise on Jersey LAS VEGAS--Sin City captain Chad Johnson is promising fans at least eight wins this season. So dedicated is the receiver to the mark that he has legally changed his name to "Chad Ocho Cinco," Spanish for "Chad Eight and Five." "Personally, I'd like to set our goals a little higher," said head coach Chuck Cecil, but Chad couldn't have a uniform with number 112 or 103, so this is good enough I suppose." Team co-captain Deuce McAllister had another idea for Johnson's new moniker. "I suggested he change his name to 'Chad Undefeated,' but he told me that was being silly. And when someone who legally changes his name to 'Ocho Cinco' tells you you're being silly, you should probably listen." The Grifters will open the season against West Coast with many familiar faces back for the defending McKay Division champions, including Drew Brees, Joseph Addai, Ocho Cinco, and Roy Williams and Earnest Graham, both back in Grifter uniforms this year. "Roy Williams had the best season of his career here," reminded Cecil. "And Earnest Graham was out number one pick... granted it was the ninth pick of the draft and if Marques Colston had dropped we probably would have passed on him, but that's neither here nor there. What was the question?" Looking at the lineups for both Sin City and West Coast, Chad Johnson muttered, "Looks like one of the cinco..." Drew Brees Joseph Addai Earnest Graham Chad Ocho Cinco Roy Williams David Patten Kellen Winslow Robbie Gould Colts

Lord Pickington's Pre-Dicktions And Prophecys, Wk 1

Smedley! Smedley! Damn you man, bring me my waxy papers and seal! Don't you realize that it's time to get involved with the foot-ball again? The opening tilts are nigh upon us, and the Empire --- nay, the world --- is looking once again to my foot-ball acumen in order to provide them answers!

Yes, yes, of course, Smedley --- I realize that the construction of the Athenian Wood-Chucks was almost entirely my doing --- but as God and King are my witnesses, that shan't keep me from providing an un-biased look at each week-end's games, in the hopes of helping those looking to make a few tuppence from gentlemanly wagers.

Smedley! For God's sake, man, where are those blasted waxy papers? There, now, fetch me a turkey feather and some octopus ink --- the masses must be appeased!

Athenian Woodchucks @ West Virginia Woolfs:

I see little good that can come from the play of the Woolf quarter-backs this weekend, as all three blackguards have inspired decidedly less confidence than Master McNabb, that Wood-Chuck field general par excellence. Assuming that the running-backs hold true to form for each time, I give a beggar's advantage to Athens.

Springfield Atoms @ Bakersfield Circus Bears

Ho, what's this? Surely you jest Smedley --- the existence of little particles comprising everything in the Known Unyverse? And hailing from the field of Springs, no less? Come now, I'm no fool --- and you know how I always laugh at the jibes and jests of a circus! I foresee Bakersfield celebrating Blessed Frederick's Day with a win!

Mayberry Fifes @ Seaside Squid

Who doesn't love a good fyfe tune? Yankee Doodle Dandy indeed, though the damnable cephalo-pods what hail from SeaSyde have the ability to stymie even the most vigorous of opponents. What's that you say? Tom Brady? Well, I think that just about puts this one to bed, Smedley, and you may count on Seaside to put a few extra ha'pennies in your pouch.

Sin City Grifters @ West Coast Mennonites

Bah! Gryfters! Lowly, wretched or-phans, reduced to begging for scraps of those far above their station --- they make me ill in the spleen, Smedley. And what pray tell exactly is a Mennonite? Sounds to me like some kind of exotic Frenchman, and the Estate of Pickington shall be thrice-damned before I cozy up to any sort of frog; I pains me, but I must side with Sin City here.

Toledo Neanderthal @ Moose River Mounties

The Monday night tilt, Smedley! As I recall, the Colonials acquitted themselves nicely with that Kitna fellow last year, and they've retained his services for a second campaign; as befits a province of the Crown, loyalty has been rewarded! Alas, I fear that the Neander-Tal forces have recently hired that Prussian mercenary Roethlisberger --- and that he shall make all the difference in a Toledo victory.

Now then Smedley, hurry! Seal up mine prophecies and get them to Burwick's post-haste! Lord Pickington has a reputation to uphold!

For the past three days, for some reason I got it into my head that Dallas and Cleveland were playing tonight, so I had nothing to worry about. Nobody playing until Sunday. Plenty of time to come up with something... well, crap, turns out it's Washington and the Giants and it starts at 4 in the afternoon. Stupid work, I'll miss almost all of it. Anyway...

"What do you mean the shuttle's been damaged beyond repair?!" William Shatner bellowed into the microphone. "We've got a football game to play back on Earth, and now you're telling me we're stuck here until those damned Ruskies come to rescue us? No dice! Russians have never been on the moon, and I'll be damned if it's because of my organization that they're allowed to take it over! Whose idea was it to allow Stoney Case to try and land the shuttle anyway?!"

Everybody turned to stare knowingly at Joe Bugle and Stoney Case, both of whom were still wearing their fake shuttle pilot uniforms (more ductape than anything else), fish bowls tucked under their arms like helmets.

"And whose stupid idea was it to hold our final week of practice on the moon?!" Shatner yelled as his red face ratched up to purple.

Steve Young cautiously cleared his throat. "Well, Bill, if I remember it correctly none of us had even heard of this 'Blue Area of the Moon' until you brought it up, and it was you who told us you were buddies with this so-called 'Most Interesting Man in the World' who had a residence on the moon you'd vacationed at before, and that he owed you a favor." Young had finished, but the room stayed silent, all eyes on him.

Shatner grabbed at the air like he was choking some invisible combatant, grimaced and said, "Steve, this isn't the time for finger-pointing! We need to figure out a way to get these guys back on Earth before gametime, or we forfeit! And that's no way to start a perfect season!" Shatner fell to his knees and thrust his fists into the air, a silent scream on his lips.

Shannon Sharpe spoke up. "Y'know, not all of the team came to the moon. Remember, Brandon Jacobs said he was allergic to space, so we left him back in Bakersfield to take care of the giraffes ('cause they couldn't fit in the shuttle)."

Shatner jumped to his feet. "That's it! Brandon can stall for time until the rest of us can get home!"

Mr. T (who was none to pleased to have woken up on the moon five days ago, let me tell you!) chuckled girlishly, then menaced "You fool! It's going to take eight days for the Russians to get a capsule up here! There's no way we're going to home by gametime. I pity your frail mental state!"

Shatner looked at Mr. T like he was a child who didn't fully comprehend the situation (Mr. T, not Shatner). "It's thinking like that kept Columbus from going to the moon."

For the time being, starting against Springfield, the one-man-team of...

RB- Brandon Jacobs!

Shatner jumped

Eager player first on Field

Seaside, AZ.

Thankful for being retained this year, Running Back Clinton Portis was so eager to get the season started he vowed to be the first player on the field. Since Tuesday Morning, Portis has lived on the sidelines in an Eddie Bauer Pop Tent he picked up on clearence at Target and has spent his days running patterns and catching imaginary balls in preparation of the face-off against the Fifes. Portis has been so dedicated that he has missed the Ten High Aquisition Party in the Stadium Brewery and has remained Alcohol Free this week, which is unusual for most members of the team.

Line-up (so far):

RB-Portis

Mounties Open Season; Apologize to the Lord

Moose River, Manitoba

The Mounties kick off the season this week, and with a celebration of sorts. The team has spent the offseason celebrating their second Bucco Bruce Bowl Championship. as camp broke late last week, we foinally got to hear Coach Fonzarelli address his starting quarterback's comments last year claiming that the Creator was in fact a Moose River fan.

Fonz: Let me just say this one time. God is a cool cat. I don't talk to him much, but you know my friend Richie got into a bad motorcycle accident one day, and I told him that if he had Richie pull through I would owe him one. Well, on behalf of the team and Kitna, let me just say, we have something special planned to clear up this misunderstanding with the Lord. Whoa!

In related news, Jon Kitna, who was expected to start the season buried on the bench was elevated to starter due to an outbreak of tonsilitis in rookie Troy Smith, and general suckiness by Matt Leinart. So yes, Jon Kitna is back to lead the team again, God help us (well, I guess he already has)...and fo rsome reason Kitna changed to number 7 this year...

Starting lineup versus Toledo:

QB- Jon Kitna
RB- Jonathan Stewart
RB- Thomas Jones
WR- Torry Holt
WR- Calvin Johnson
WR- Chris Chambers
TE- Dallas Clark
K- Nate Kaeding
D- Jets


Just in to the news desk, every person attending the game this weekend will receive one of these replica statues depicting Jesus as a quarterback (I'm going straight to hell for this, aren't I)

Neanderthal Notes

The Toledo Neanderthal again left training camp at the Wilderness area of the Oak Openings Metro Park system and again had a positive attitude although they find themselves in the toughest division in football. With all due respect to the McKay Division there can be little doubt that the four most successful franchises comprise the Williams along with the cavemen.
"And again this year, we open against the defending champions", General Manager Tonda reminded the assembled fans who gathered at Toledo Express to bid the team a fond farewell, eh, as they set out for the great white north.
Prior to boarding the deluxe charter the team introduced its' new head coach as the tenure of Coach Sam ended last year. Marty Schottenheimer, no stranger to northern Ohio and no stranger to the orange and brown, will assume the helm of this struggling team and its' daunting schedule.
"We had a great camp and I think we have a good core group of players. Opening against the Mounties will give us a great opportunity to steal one on the road before the other teams realize what we have" remarked the new coach. "We look forward to opening at home in week three and hope to prove to our fans that this team is for real by that time."
Our line up for opening night:

Qb Big Ben
Rb Gore and Jamal Lewis
Wr Santonio Holmes, Jennings and Burress (dnp S. Moss)
Te Scheffler
K Folk
Def Steelers

Squid Aquires Ten High in Marketing Coup.

Las Vegas, Nevada...

Squid Owner Dave Bargman procured a back room deal last week under the guise of the Infamous BFL Draft. Team GM and Spokeman from Bargman's Six Kitten Liquor Corporation, Billy Dee Williams met with Constellation Spirits to acquire the line of Ten High Whiskey during the weekend junket.

There were industry rumors that Mayberry Fifes Owner Chris "Hollywood" Walker was eyeing the lively drink as well.... among other things as the owners stayed at the Venetian. Ten High, a favorite among the two Owners is usually a spot of celebration between the two has now turned into a sore spot. A disagreement that was thought to be resolved has turned sour again. It appears as if Bargman was luring Walker into a false sense of security by being friendly, drinking mass quantities of Ten High, playing Roulette and possibly engaging in some deviant activities with a "Sheba", all the while his agent was securing the deal.

This backdoor pick-up of such a beloved cocktail sent ripples through the Liquor industry, many have started to call Bargman "Iceman", for the ice cold betrayal to Walker. When asked to comment, Bargman simply said... "Hollywood..... You stink!" and then snapped some gum he was chewing. There was no real outrage to this statment since it is known that Walker is a 15 pack a day smoker and can, at times... smell of cigarrettes.

The other owners present at the draft (Jake "Jester" Bell, Ryan "Viper" Lindstrom, Greg "Wolfman" Hulke, and Robbie "Sundown" Baker, and Lord Pickington) as well as those absent (Rick "MaveRICK" Lord, Rob "Goose" Hart aka the dead one, Gene "Slider" Bell, and Brian "Cougar" Birch) had no comment. Adding insult to injury, Bargman is said to have plans to change the name of "Ten High" to "Fathom No.26" to fit in more with his Aquatic naming of beverages. More on this deal is developing as we look into the implications towards the BFL and the Fifes and Squid Franchises.

Fifes! Squid! McKay Division Opening Weekend On FOX!

Fifes coach Barry Sanders leads his squad in the opening game of the 2008-09 campaign against Dave Bargman's Seaside Squid.

Despite the fact that GM Hollywood Walker and Bargman are friends, there seems to have been some animosity during the offseason. Insiders claim that the argument apparently revolved around 20 cases of Ten-High, Rapid Roulette, and a goat named "Sheba".

"Sure," said Sanders. "We could just throw our QB and TE out there and see what happens, but that's not how the Fifes roll. Here's our whole starting lineup, cabled in straight from Juanita. And don't even get me started on Sheba."

QB - Eli Manning

RB - Maurice Jones-Drew

(henceforth to be referred to as "MoJo")

RB - Michael Turner

(henceforth to be referred to as "Why On God's Green Earth Did I Not Start Willie Parker?"

WR - Reggie Wayne

WR - Wes Welker

WR - Jerricho Cotchery

K - Mason Crosby

D - Patriots

The Season Begins in Bakersfield

Deep within Bakersfield's rarely used moonbase headquarters...(I think the other guy is Stoney Case.)