The Road Trip Continues

For the third straight week the Neanderthal are away from Toledo. The team missed Obama's visit. McCain comes to town today and Sarah Palin is due next week. Even Joe the Plumber is on the road.

This week we visit the Mennonites and again are the Monday night featured game. "This is a lot of pressure for a first year coach in the BFL" remarked general manager, Tonda. "And this week we're up against the dean of coaches, Mike Ditka."

Team owner, Gene Bell, announced that the entire team and coaching staff had been released and that Toledoan, Joe the Plumber, would play all positions this week.

Fortunately coach Marty intervened and posted the following lineup:

QB Big Ben

RB Gore and Jamal Lewis

REC Greg Jennings, Burress and Santana Moss

TE Recently signed Bo Scaife

K Folk

DEF Steelers

Grifters Stay in Bed Mounties Win Devastates Team LAS VEGAS--For five weeks, no matter how bad things got for the Grifters, they could always point northward and feel better about themselves. "Sure, we suck," running back Chris Perry admitted, "but at least we were better than Moose River." However, last week's Mountie victory in Mayberry has tied the two teams that met in last year's Bucco Bruce Bowl in the wins column and put Moose River in the lead in the overall points race. It also sent the Grifters to a darkened room where they have done nothing but lie in bed listening to Morrissey CDs and writing bad poetry. "I worked very hard on this," Drew Brees rasped with the voice of a man who'd spent several straight days crying and drinking cheap whiskey. "It's a haiku." Chad Ocho Cinco, You used to catch the football When I threw to you. Head coach Chuck Cecil offered a starting lineup for tomorrow's game against "you know... I'm not even sure who it is. I haven't really looked at the schedule lately," but couldn't promise the team would really feel like doing anything and might instead just stay in, not shower, and feel sorry for its collective self. Drew Brees Earnest Graham DeAngelo Williams Chad Ocho Cinco Roy Williams Bobby Wade Kellen Winslow (DNS Jeremy Shockey [DNS Dustin Keller]) Robbie Gould Panthers

Back to Football

As the "Change We Can Believe In" jumbo jet roared down the runway at Toledo Express Airport this afternoon, Neanderthal team owner, Gene Bell, met with the assembled media to explain his absence from the team's road trip.

"I knew we had the game well in hand before I left Seaside on Sunday afternoon and I plan to meet the team on Thursday for practice. It may be hard to believe but there are some things in life that are almost as important as the BFL. Returning to Toledo to assist Senator Obama might just be one of them."

Most national news coverage had the candidate staying at the Maumee State Park on the city's east side but informed sources thought that the democratic nominee was seen in the area of the Oak Openings Metropark several times during his stay.

"I wanted the senator to have the benefits that the wilderness area could provide as he prepared for the final debate with John McCain. So even though Obama slept in the relative comfort of the state park, his serious study and preparation was done at our training facility. Pay close attention to his presentation tonight. Don't be surprised if there is a mention of the neanderthal mentality of the current administration or the caveman approach of the republican nominee. Either way the team is proud to have been of assistance to Barack" noted Bell.

Hollywood is Home

Back in Hollywood the Mennonites are....will that change their fortune? Hopefully....and hopefully the Woodchucks will just roll over and die for this scary lot of BFL veterans...

QB: ROMO

RB: TOMLINSON AND PETERSON

WR: SMITH, FITZGERALD, AND COLES(DNS CRAYTON)

TE: DANIELS

PK: GRAHAM

DEFENSE: PHILLY

Mayberry Lineup, Hungover Edition

Gah.

QB - Eli Manning
RB - Mike Turner
RB - Maurice Jones-Drew
WR - Reggie Wayne
WR - Wes Welker
WR - Jerricho Cotchery
TE - Chris Cooley
K - Mason Crosby
D - Patriots

Breaking Even

HEADLINE "One win at a time. Well, that is more a necessity than a motto, since the wins are not exactly flowing freely around the team. But we will take the momentum from last week's victory and roll into Sunday night against the Mennonites. Owner Brian Birch will not be in attendance this week. Instead of watching exciting BFL football he will be cheering on his son on the Hamilton Jaguars varsity football team, for the fourth straight Sunday (why in the heck did I purchase the NFL ticket???)" commented head coach John Elway. QB - Donovan McNabb RB - Ronnie Brown, Ryan Grant WR - Randy Moss, TJ Houshmandzadeh, Brandon Stokley TE - Antonio Gates PK - Joe Nedney Def - Bears

Atoms Week 6 Lineup

Atoms Have 'Groin-Grabbingly Good' Chance Against Grifters Las Vegas, (NV)--Atoms General Manager, Rob Hart reported from the Mandalay Bay Sports book in Las Vegas late Friday night that despite some early season sputters and an injured Aaron Rodgers, the Springfield Atoms have a "groin-grabbingly good" chance to beat the Grifters this Sunday. Hart further indicated that in spite of stock market volatility, the blackjack tables at Excalibur and the craps table at New York, New York, are not safer places for ones' retirement savings. "F gambling," indicated a disgruntled Hart, "I'm just glad I didn't lose $5,000 in chips like the guy next to me at the craps table who had to stop playing when every shooter went out after two rolls. How's that $3,000 marker treating you now?" With that, a schadenfreude-filled and noticeably intoxicated Hart reached into his pocket and fished out a crumpled cocktail napkin containing this week's lineup. Starting Lineup this week: QB: Aaron Rodgers (DNS Matt Schaub) RB: Marion Barber RB: Julius Jones WR: Bobby Engram WR: Vincent Jackson WR: Bernard Berrian (DNS Jordy Nelson) TE: Bubba Franks K: John Carney D: Seahawks