That's the Ticket!

Woolfs' Presidential QB Gets Start

In honor of Election Day, the Woolfs will start Trent Edwards, the crappy QB with the cool political name. With the calendar turning to November, it may be starting to get cold and Brees(y) in West Virginia........

QB- Trent Edwards
RB- Brian Westbrook
RB- Marshawn Lynch
WR- Braylon Edwards
WR- Anquan Boldin
WR- Roddy White
TE- Zach Miller
PK- Josh Scobee
DF- Buccaneers

Fifes Welcome Neanderthal

We can't tell you how much we enjoy having those nice Toledites here for their yearly visit! Such gentlemen, with a real appreciation for home cookin' and late-sleepin'!

Shame we have to "kick they ass"! ---- Old Man Who Looks Like Opie


QB -- Elihu Manning
RB -- Mike Turner
RB -- MoJo Drew
WR -- Reggie Wayne (DNS Hines Ward)
WR -- Jerricho Cotchery
WR -- Wes Welker
TE -- Chris Cooley
K -- Mason Crosby
D -- Bills

Drew Brees Packed in Styrofoam Grifters Pull QB from Lineup to Avoid Any Damage as Trade Deadline Approaches LAS VEGAS--Should-be-MVP-if-his-teammates-would-just-help-him-out Drew Brees will not play in this weekend's match up with the Athenian Woodchucks. Brees, who has been carefully wrapped in crumpled newspapers and placed into a box filled with styrofoam peanuts for easy and quick shipping once a deal is finalized with any of four teams vying for the best quarterback in the league. "I'd sure like to be on the field," Brees shouted to reporters through an airhole cut into the side of the box, "but I'm just too valuable. I dare say I'm the most valuable player in this league." Kyle Orton, whose last name owner Jake Bell had to look up to make sure he spelled it correctly on the contract Orton signed Saturday evening, will replace Brees for the game. Few BFL fans would be aware of this fact, however, as Fox Sports has announced it will preempt the game between the two also-rans in favor of an infomercial about how to buy real estate for pennies on the dollar and turn it into big, big profits. For that matter, the Las Vegas Bugler has decided instead of dedicating the following four paragraphs to coverage of the Grifters to replace them with a commercial for Tiddy Bear.Bell insists he and his runningmate have the Democratic ticket "right where we want them." Pundits, Bell insisted, have forgotten to let the people decide. "This Tuesday, we're going to turn that whole map... um... what color do you guys turn states when a third party wins its electoral votes?" Kyle Orton Earnest Graham Mewelde Moore Chad Ocho Cinco Donnie Avery Antonio Bryant Kellen Winslow Robbie Gould Colts

It's The Most Wonderful Time of the Year

If you've spent time in you local Costco in the past month you might think we refer to the upcoming Christmas season, but, NO. I refer to our annual trip to Mayberry, where the life is still slow and easy and even the old men look like Opie.

The Neanderthal return to the road this week for our sixth away game, versus three at home, and put our 3-2 record on the line against the Fifes. Suspensions again take a toll on the cavemen. "What I wouldn't give for some high ankle sprains or pulled groins, something I understand, instead of all this spitting of drinks in the faces of Toledo's most gorgeous women. They don't deserve that, especially from one of our players." complained team owner, Gene Bell. "I may have to bring Sam back to get the decency back in our team."

After several new signings again this week Coach Marty put together another patchwork line up:

QB Big Ben

RB Jamal Lewis
Kevin Faulk

REC Plaxico "I still need 1044 and 11" Burress
Greg Jennings
DeSean Jackson

TE Bo Scaife

K Folk

DEF New York Football Giants

Under the Wire

Oofa! I wasted too much time downloading that Ron Howard video (but it was soooo worth it!), that I'm now pressed for time in putting up my line-up. Had I thought it out, I should have posted my line-up, then started the video. Oh, well. Live and learn!

That's all the Bakersfield Performing Circus Bears can say after the debacle last week against the Woodchucks. What a mistake it was when the coaching staff sent Steven Jackson out for corn dogs during pregame warm-ups, realizing too late that Jackson had forgot his credentials and wouldn't be let back into the stadium.

An even bigger mistake was giving into Peyton Manning's belief that he could beat the Woodchucks blindfolded. You would have thought after the first interception returned for a touchdown Manning would have taken off that damned blindfold, but nooooooooo, he's a stubborn ole fool.

So this week it's a fight to see who maintains a share of first place. At least that's what the standings reflect. In actuality, we know that the Squid are in town solely for the purpose of owner Dave Bargman trying out for a spot in the circus. Sorry, freakazoid, but we don't need the kids running away in terror from the "Backwards Walking Man". (Seriously, folks, next time you see Dave, ask him to show you his special talent involving hip displacia. You will not sleep that night, guaranteed.)

Here's hoping for another week of exciting games!

QB- Peyton Manning
RB- Steven Jackson
RB- Brandon Jackson
WR- Andre Johnson
WR- Marvin Harrison
WR- Muhsin Muhammad
TE- Dallas Clark
K- Adam Vinatieri
D- Baltimore

QB & WR Suspended in Bacta Scandal

Brady Bath responsible for outstanding performance Seaside, AZ--A scandal errupted among the Squid last week when it was discovered that QB Jay Cutler and WR Brandon Marshall where involved in the slow draining of Comatose QB Tom Brady's Bacta bath. It appears that Cutler has been secretly drinking the waters to enhance his game play this season. Marshall acted as his lookout. "I was brought in as a back up and didn't think I'd play much this season. " said Cutler. "I thought it was going to be easy street. I'd get to hang out, drink, catch a few Billy Dee cast-offs and still get paid, but after Tom was out I was shoved to the forefront there was a lot of pressure to live up to his expectations. I was down in medical one night, talking to him as he floated in the tank, just getting my thoughts out and the idea came to me, so I tried a sip. It wasn't bad.... kind of like Clamato with Bud Light in it. It just happened to work, so I just kept going back...." Cutler and Marshall will be suspended for one week and have their weekly rations of free alcohol removed for the rest of the season along with rehabilitation and community service at the Indian Reservation. This week, the Squid Line-up will consist of: QB Matt Cassel RB- Clintion Portis and Reggie Bush WR- T.O. Steve Breaston and Justin Gage TE- Todd Heap (DNP- Alge Crumpler) PK- Steve Gostkowski D- Jax

Atoms Week 8 Lineup

QB: Matt Schaub RB: Marion Barber RB: Julius Jones WR: Lee Evans WR: Vincent Jackson WR: Bobby Engram TE: Tony Gonzalez K: Shaun Suisham D: Seahawks

Rooting for Mediocre

HEADLINE The town of Athens is abuzz with playoff fever. Now most teams that were struggling to break .500 would not be as enthusiastic as Athens. But our last run at the BFL championship started with a dismal regular season. And our dominating regular season runs all end with early exits in the post-season. So we are aiming for mediocre! QB - Donovan McNabb RB - Willis McGahee, Ronnie Brown WR - Randy Moss, TJ Houshmandzadeh, Dwayne Bowe TE - Antonio Gates PK - Joe Nedney Def - Cardinals