BFL Press Box

Walken Prepares Mounties for Trip to Sin City

2009-11-11T06:38:00.000-08:00

Inthe midst of a freefall from the top of the division, Christopher Walken is starting early this week. Here we see him kicking off practice this week with a reading about his escapades in Sin City for this weekend.

Week 9 Results

2009-11-09T20:19:00.000-08:00

109

Toledo Neanderthal	Pts
Phillip Rivers	33
Frank Gore	26
Maurice Jones-Drew	20
Greg Jennings	9
Andre Johnson	16
Vincent Jackson	20
Kevin Boss	9
Mason Crosby	4
Cardinals	14

Moose River Mounties	Pts
Tony Romo	26
Joseph Addai	26
Jonathan Stewart	0
Wes Welker	14
Roy Williams	10
Michael Crabtree	5
Kellen Winslow	15
Kris Brown	7
Steelers	28

132

Athenian Woodchucks	Pts
Kurt Warner	53
Clinton Portis	0
Julius Jones	20
Randy Moss	25
T.J. Houshmandzadeh	14
Donald Driver	15
Bo Scaife	3
John Carney	13
Eagles	14

West Virginia Woolfs	Pts
Matt Schaub	27
Chris Johnson	29
LeSean McCoy	14
Marques Colston	4
DeSean Jackson	3
Calvin Johnson	3
Vernon Davis	16
Matt Stover	8
Packers	11

Seaside Squid	Pts
Tom Brady	33
Matt Forte	13
Kevin Smith	8
Roddy White	4
Dwayne Bowe	8
Torry Holt	3
Jeremy Shockey	4
Stephen Gostkowski	14
Bears	11

101

Springfield Atoms	Pts
Aaron Rodgers	24
Ryan Grant	9
Rashard Mendenhall	16
Hines Ward	21
Miles Austin	11
Brandon Marshall	18
Tony Gonzalez	13
	0
Colts	13

100

Mayberry Fifes	Pts
Carson Palmer	25
Marion Barber	9
Ricky Williams	10
Santonio Holmes	12
Mario Manningham	9
Chris Chambers	21
Greg Olsen	28
Larry Tynes	8
Cowboys	20

West Coast Mennonites	Pts
Joe Falcco	7
Jamaal Charles	11
Pierre Thomas	18
Reggie Wayne	12
Steve Smith the Younger	17
Laveranues Coles	10
Brent Celek	11
Rob Bironas	10
Falcons	22

144

Sin City Grifters	Pts
Drew Brees	28
DeAngelo Williams	27
Michael Turner	33
Chad Ochocinco	6
Larry Fitzgerald	29
Mike Sims-Walker	23
Antonio Gates	9
Nate Kaeding	3
Saints	22

Bakersfield Circus Bears	Pts
Peyton Manning	28
Brandon Jacobs	7
Steven Jackson	0
Isaac Bruce	1
Derrick Mason	5
Nate Burleson	12
Dallas Clark	21
Neil Rackers	12
Patriots	14

Finally Off the Schnyde

2009-11-08T09:34:00.000-08:00

One week from being officially off the schnyde the Mennonites hope to make it 2 in a row with a win against the Fifes. However, the Mennonites have lost to the fifes when favored before and the Mennonite faithful hope it doesn't happen again.

QB: Flacco

WR: Wayne, Smith(The Younger), and Laveranues Coles

RB: Jamaal Charles and Pierre Thomas

TE: Celek

PK: Bironas

Defense: Falcons

Bleary-Eyed Fifes Week 9 Lineup

2009-11-08T08:19:00.000-08:00

QB - Carson Palmer
RB - Marion Barber
RB - Ricky Williams
WR - Santonio Holmes
WR - Mario Manningham
WR - Chris Chambers
TE - Greg Olsen
K - Larry Tynes
D - Cowboys

2009-11-08T08:15:00.000-08:00

QB- Peyton Manning
RB- Brandon Jacobs
RB- Fred Taylor (DNP Steven Jackson)
WR- Anquan Boldin (DNP Muhsin Muhammad)
WR- Derrick Mason (DNP Bobby Engram)
WR- Nate Burleson (DNP Isaac Bruce)
TE- Dallas Clark
K- Neil Rackers
D- New England Patriots

Atoms Week 9 Lineup

2009-11-08T07:56:00.000-08:00

Atoms Week 9 Lineup:

QB: Aaron Rodgers
RB: Ryan Grant
RB: Rashard Mendenhall
WR: Hines Ward
WR: Miles Austin
WR: Brandon Marshall
TE: Tony Gonzalez
K: (None - I neglected to acquire a Kicker this week, my bad)
D: Colts

Squids Strike Fear?

2009-11-08T07:15:00.000-08:00

With a semi-annual poker meeting held last night with local BFL coaches to celebrate Grifters owner Jake Bell's Birthday, Atoms owner Rob Hart was suspiciously missing despite reports of him saying repeatedly that he would be there. The reason he was missing?

Fear.

"I think Hart is scared of us" said Squid Owner Dave Bargman. "With Brady coming back from his time at The Most Interesting Academy, His presence has rubbed off on the team and everyone in the organization is radiating with positive energy. I mean, what else could it be? Brady is a Most Interesting Padawa, Billy Dee is Master of a Colt 45, T.O. is just so pretty (even though he isn't shining anymore), Matt Forte and Roddy White constantly kick butt on the field. Hell we are so cool we have 2 undead Hollywood Z-listers, Coach Matuzak and Sensei Morita plus a Moncalmari on staff. It's like there is an evil tyrannical overlord watching over all of Springfield..." David Akers then leaned in and whispered into Bargman's ear. "Wait, sorry. I forgot about that Burns guy. My Bad."

"Regardless, We feel that the Atoms are on the run. Here is who they are to face today:"

QB- Tom "MIMITW-In-Training" Brady
RB- Matt Forte, Kevin Smith
WR- Roddy White, Dwayne Bowe, Torry Holt
TE- Jeremy Shockey
PK- Stephen Gostkowski
D- Bears

Walken shaves moustache, gives team rundown of importance of game

2009-11-08T06:51:00.000-08:00

After losing in the battle of moustaches last week, GM Walken and the rest of the Mounties return home this week to face the mighty Neanderthal in a showdown of first place teams.

In what could prove to be a preview of the Bucco Bruce bowl, coach Fonzarelli thought it wise to have Walken address the team before the game. Below is the footage of that inspirational speech. Whether the team could make the connection between the tooth fairy and the Neanderthal remains to be seen. At a minimum we hope it will serve to get quarterback Romo and wide receiver Roy Williams on the same page.

The Rundown - The Tooth Fairy | Movies & TV | SPIKE.com

QB: Romo
RB: Addai
RB: Jonathan Stewart
WR: Wes Welker
WR: Roy Williams
WR: Michael Crabtree
TE: Kellen Winslow
K: Kris Brown
D: Steelers

Now go get my tooth fairy!

Almost out of Band-Aids

2009-11-07T23:53:00.000-08:00

If there's one thing I hate, it's having 75% of my RB injured or on a bye. If there's two things I hate, it's having 75% of my RB injured or on a bye and anal cancer.

QB- Matt Schaub
RB- Chris Johnson
RB- Brian Westbrook (DNS LeSean McCoy)
WR- Marques Colston
WR- DeSean Jackson
WR- Calvin Johnson (DNS Kevin Walter)
TE- Vernon Davis
PK- Matt Stover
DF- Packers

Slack Ass Owner Gets Banned to Indy

2009-11-07T16:05:00.000-08:00

On the heels of an embarrassing performance which was capped with a no-show performance by star wide out Randy Moss and a nameless kicker, owner Brian Birch has decided to induce a self-imposed ban far away from Athens. He has handed the reigns of the team over to the coaching staff in hopes of a more promising end to the season. Head Coach John Elway was not available for comment.

QB - Kurt Warner
RB - Clinton Portis, Julius Jones
WR - Randy Moss, TJ Houshmandzadeh, Donald Drvier
TE - Bo Scaife
PK - John Carney
Def - Eagles

Another Monday Night, Another First Place Opponent

2009-11-07T13:50:00.000-08:00

"It just seems that every week we play a first place team. Just how many divisions are there in the BFL" wondered Atouk, the assistant traveling secretary for the Neanderthal.
As the team prepared to leave the friendly confines of the Oak Openings Metro Park training facility for the latest out of country travel to the Great White North, several of the players balked at requirements that they not travel in sweats causing the Vikings Defense and Dustin Keller to remain in Toledo while the rest of the team used the opportunity to show off their wardrobes supplied by Damschroeder's of downtown Toledo.
Team owner, Gene Bell, proud that the rest of the team responded positively to the travel arrangement, was heard saying "Cavemen, go where I send thee. How will I send thee. Nine by Nine. Nine for the Nine who dress so fine>'
The nine members who make up the starting lineup will be:

QB RIVERS
RB GORE AND JONES-DREW
REC JENNINGS, ANDRE JOHNSON & V. JACKSON
TE BOSS
K CROSBY
DEF CARDINALS

2009-11-06T12:01:00.000-08:00

The Anti-Peyton

Grifters look to defeat Bakersfield for 2nd time in 3 weeks

LAS VEGAS--Sin City can all but clinch a playoff berth with another victory over Bakersfield this weekend. The Grifters defeated the Circus Bears 100-78 just two weeks ago.

"I have no doubt Peyton Manning will throw four or five touchdowns," said Coach Mike Alstott. "Hell, he'll probably get two or three in pre-game warmups and the referees will just add them to his totals for the game. Fortunately, we have the Anti-Peyton."

The secret weapon in question is Drew Brees. Following their victory in Las Vegas two weeks ago, the Grifters noted the similarities and stark differences of Manning and Brees. "Imagine a quarterback who is startlingly accurate, elevates his teammates to superstar status, commands the field like the love-child of Napoleon and Patton, terrifies the opposition, and can complete passes anywhere from one to seventy yards down the field. Who am I talking about?" asks owner and general manager Jake Bell. "Well, it could be Drew or Peyton. The only way to tell the difference is to determine whether the quarterback in question gets all his accolades because the referees gift-wrap ever success for him in yellow flags, is constantly shoved down our throats by advertisers, gets verbally fellated by TV announcers all Sunday long, and is a total douchebag or if he's Drew Brees. Therein lies the difference between Peyton and Anti-Peyton."

Drew Brees
DeAngelo Williams
Michael Turner
Chad Ochocinco
Larry Fitzgerald
Mike Sims-Walker
Antonio Gates
Nate Kaeding
Saints

2009-11-06T07:47:00.000-08:00

Inexplicable Run Of Bad Luck For Fifes

The season continues to go right down the crapper for the Fifes, as they received news Friday that star tight end Owen Daniels would be inactive for the rest of the season following an injury last Sunday in the game against the Grifters.

Head coach Tony Mayberry was despondent: "I don't know what we've done to deserve this run of bad luck. It's like we're cursed or something."

Team staffers seem to agree. In the midst of renovating the team offices, offensive coordinator Casey Weldon was similarly mystified: "I honestly don't see how any of this is our fault," said Weldon as he walked under a stepladder carrying new paint for the ceiling. "I'm thinking beige would go well with the carpet."

Defensive coordinator Chidi Ahanotu, in the midst of hanging a new wall-to-wall mirror, expressed different sentiments: "I think it's just coincidence, I really-----AAAARRGGH!" Ahanotu exclaimed as he dropped the mirror, shattering it into thousands of shards. "Man, that's gonna come out of my paycheck. Dang."

Director of Player Personnel Alvin Harper seemed relatively upbeat amidst the commotion. "I think it's gonna be a great last third of the season, I can feel it," said Harper as he opened an umbrella. "Ooh, looks like it might rain --- never can be too careful." As he opened the door to leave the office for the day, Harper almost tripped over team cat Fifesy, the black feline scurried across Harper's path and under his desk. "Yessir, a GREAT last third!"

Big, Bad Luck Woolfs

2009-11-05T13:06:00.000-08:00

(Charleston, WV--AP) Declaring he is sick of falling victim to bad luck, Woolfs' owner Rick Lord has decided to make his own luck, and shake up his Special Teams. "About the only thing more ridiculous than being 4-4 despite being just 3 points behind the highest-scoring team in the league is the fact that our stinkin' kickers can't score more than 5 points a game," extolled Lord. "Look at these totals.... 4,4,3,5,3,2.... I mean 36 points total from our kickers in 8 games is UNACCEPTABLE. It ends TODAY!"

Lord then announced the re-hiring of one-time Woolfs' head coach The Decapitated Cole Ford as Kicking Coach. Ford then immediately cut Joe Nedney and signed Matt Stover.

Week 8 Results

2009-11-02T21:11:00.000-08:00

134

West Coast Mennonites	Pts
Joe Flacco	24
Adrian Peterson	18
LaDainian Tomlinson	17
Reggie Wayne	27
Steve Smith the Younger	12
Braylon Edwards	14
Brent Celek	14
Rob Bironas	14
Jets	25

West Virginia Woolfs	Pts
Matt Schaub	17
Chris Johnson	40
Thomas Jones	12
Marques Colston	17
Austin Collie	10
DeSean Jackson	16
Vernon Davis	10
Joe Nedney	2
Packers	6

120

Toledo Neanderthal	Pts
Phillip Rivers	22
Maurice Jones-Drew	34
Ronnie Brown	3
Vincent Jackson	20
Greg Jennings	19
Andre Johnson	5
Dustin Keller	19
Mason Crosby	8
Cardinals	2

Bakersfield Circus Bears	Pts
Peyton Manning	27
Brandon Jacobs	11
Steven Jackson	24
Anquan Boldin	4
Muhsin Muhammad	0
Derrick Mason	12
Dallas Clark	14
Neil Rackers	3
Giants	10

Moose River Mounties	Pts
Tony Romo	38
Steve Slaton	-1
Joseph Addai	15
Roy Williams	9
Michael Crabtree	8
Jabar Gaffney	5
Zach Miller	8
Kris Brown	12
Chargers	26

Seaside Squid	Pts
Jay Cutler	12
Matt Forte	25
Kevin Smith	11
Terrell Owens	16
Roddy White	19
Torry Holt	3
Jeremy Shockey	10
David Akers	10
Bears	40

Springfield Atoms	Pts
Aaron Rodgers	47
Ryan Grant	7
Beanie Wells	4
Miles Austin	16
Brandon Marshall	5
Pierre Garcon	7
Tony Gonzalez	11
Ryan Longwell	9
Colts	22

Athenian Woodchucks	Pts
Kurt Warner	15
Marshawn Lynch	7
Tim Hightower	20
Randy Moss	0
Donald Driver	10
T.J. Houshmandzadeh	5
Visanthe Shiancoe	7
John Carney	5
Eagles	23

Sin City Grifters	Pts
Drew Brees	31
DeAngelo Williams	15
Michael Turner	21
Larry Fitzgerald	10
Mike Sims-Walker	2
Sidney Rice	6
Antonio Gates	6
Nate Kaeding	6
Saints	24

Mayberry Fifes	Pts
Carson Palmer*	13
Larry Johnson**	6
Marion Barber	12
Jerricho Cotchery	7
Chris Henry	0
Patrick Crayton	4
Owen Daniels	2
Larry Tynes	6
Cowboys	21

*Disguised as Matt Ryan
**Disguised as Ricky Williams

A New Breed

2009-11-01T09:30:00.000-08:00

New Woolfs' coach Joe Lieberman was sent by his wife to Mindy's Pet Store to pick up their grandadughter a golden retriever, a Boston terrier, or collie.

Instead, Lieberman went to Indy's Vet Store and picked up a wide receiver named Austin Collie.

Calvin Johnson is out.

Woolfs pick up Austin Collie and drop LenDale fat ass White.

WR- Austin Collie

Atoms Week 8 Lineup

2009-11-01T09:25:00.000-08:00

Quick Lineup again...just getting back from Jerome.

QB: Aaron Rodgers
RB: Ryan Grant
RB: Beanie Wells
WR: Miles Austin
WR: Brandon Marshall
WR: Pierre Garcon
TE: Tony Gonzalez
K: Ryan Longwell
D: Colts

Stache off? Stache ON!

2009-11-01T08:32:00.000-08:00

Seaside AZ.

When Squid GM heard of the Walken's Challenge, he almost did a spit take of the 40 he was drinking... ALMOST (BDW hates to waste any alcohol). He waited until he finished the bottle of Diving Bell Brew before tossing it at the press release. "Walken... you're going to get hit with a "Blast from the Past" and end up in the "Dead Zone"! I have "Balls of Fury" at your challenge. This aint no "Pulp Fiction"! Me and my legendary Stache have a "True Romance", you dig?" Williams then started to laugh. "It aint gonna be no contest."

Word has it that Squid Owner Dave Bargman, went to call TMIMITW,on the fabled "Red Phone", but when he went to dial, he was already on the phone because he knew he was going to be asked. "My beard sensed the importance of this game and this facial hair challenge." said TMIMITW. "My private jet is already in route." Bargman then hung up the phone and was shocked to find TMIMITW was already sitting at his desk with his feet up smoking a cuban with a valet next to him. "My flights are always early" he said.

Williams then bowed at his feet, kissed his ring finger and exclaimed "Master!"

"Pleasure to see my Protege again" said TMIMITW. "Make me proud. My payment for judging is that I will take Tom Brady under my wing for one week. I have seen his work and he has promise. He will attend the Most Interesting Academy to hone his skills." Williams begrudgingly agreed. A new line-up was then declared:

QB- Jay Cutler
RB- Matt Forte and Kevin Smith
WR- TO. Roddy White and Torry Holt
TE- Jeremy Shockey
PK- David Akers
D- Bears

Football? Who Can Think About Football?!

2009-11-01T08:12:00.000-08:00

Woozy and weary from two days of Halloween parties, it suddenly occurred to the Bakersfield Performing Circus Bears that they were suppose to be hosting a football game today.

Coach Steve Young was the only one in attendance at yesterday's voluntary practice. "Being a member of this wacky organization for as long as I have, everyone seems to forget that I'm Mormon, and I don't like to participate in Pagan pageantry. So for me this weekend has been business as usual. Well, as much as it can be without any players in attendance."

Thankfully all members of the team live on the grounds during the season, so it was easy for assistant coaches Stoney Case and Joe Bugel to wake them up this morning for the game (well, as easy as anything involving Stoney and Bugel can be). Some players wandered in still in costume from the previous night. It was unclear whether or not they had slept in them, or had just got back from a very late party.

"We're thinking of letting them wear their costumes over their uniforms, to disorient the Neanderthal somewhat. We know it flies in the face of all BFL uniform codes and regulations, but when has this team ever cared about that?" added Coach Young.

As the team took to the field for pregame warm-ups, they caught a glimpse of Circus Bears owner Robert Baker running around the Big Top still in costume. Hopefully he'll still be wearing it at gametime, as it is quite the sight to behold.

QB- Peyton Manning (Superman)

RB- Brandon Jacobs (Viking)

RB- Steven Jackson (Naughty Nurse)

WR- Anquan Boldin (Patient)

WR- Muhsin Muhammad (Moose)

WR- Derrick Mason (Darth Vader)

TE- Dallas Clark (Peyton Manning)

K- Neil Rackers (the Tin Man)

D- New York Giants (rest of Wizard of Oz characters, Kiss band members, Kermit the Frog, and Underdog)

Will the Skid Ever End?

2009-11-01T07:45:00.001-08:00

The Mennonites have been praying to the maker all week long in hopes that their losing skid will end against the sinful woolfs. Returning to the lineup as a savior will be Joe Flacco and the rest of the Hollywood Saviors are as follows.

QB: Joe Flacco

RB: Adrian Peterson and LaDainian Tomlinson

WR: Reggie Wayne, Steve Smith(The Younger), and Braylon Edwards

TE: Brent Celek

PK: Rob Bironas

Defense: Jets

Walken grows 'Stache, Challenges Billy Dee

2009-10-31T21:02:00.000-07:00

The Mounties arrived for their game against the squid this week with a depleted receiving corps. Perhaps in an effort to distract the team, or give them incentive to continue their winning ways, GM walken grew a moustached this week. But instead of claiming it to be in honor of the Squid GM, Walken believes he has the superior 'stache and has challenged the GM of the quid to a post game Stache-off.

So sure of his victory, Walken even chartered a plane to fly in the most interesting man in the world to be the judge. No word on if Billy Dee will accept teh challenge, or if anyone is going to pay attention to it.

In the meantime, coach Fonzarelli wrote his lineup on a peice of paper and handed it to the reporters while Walken spoke.

QB- Romo
RB- Slaton
RB- Addai
WR- Roy Williams
WR- Michael Crabtree
WR- Jabar GAffney
TE- Zach Miller
K- Kris Brown
D- Chargers

Hi Ho Hi Ho Its Off to the Circus We Go

2009-10-31T19:06:00.000-07:00

Before first place Toledo left town to play the "on the outside, looking in" Bears they made a roster move by waiving the Dolphins and adding the Cardinals. "We needed to make a move that wouldn't get over turned by the Commissioners office, which happens to be in my back yard" was owner, Gene Bell's comment.
The Cards just wanted to know whether the elephant with the great big ears would be snuffin up peanuts with the long trunk swingin. Coach Marty assured them that, if they did a good job, they could stay all day.

QB RIVERS
RB JONES-DREW AND RONNIE BROWN
REC VINCENT JACKSON, GREG JENNINGS, ANDRE JOHNSON (dnp GAGE)
TE KELLER
K CROSBY
DEF AZ

Athens LineUp

2009-10-31T16:35:00.000-07:00

QB - K. Warner
RB - M. Lynch, T. Hightower
WR - R. Moss, D. Driver, TJ Houshmanzadeh
TE - V. Shiancoe
Def - Cardinals

2009-10-31T14:52:00.000-07:00

Halloween Strikes In Mayberry

Mayberry, N.C.--- Fans and non-fans alike weren't sure what to make of head coach Tony Mayberry's announcement this week. Speaking before a crowd of 6, Mayberry (the coach) announced that Mayberry (the team) would, to help Mayberry (the city) celebrate Halloween, play Sunday's game against the Grifters in costume.

"We here at the Fifes are big fans of Halloween. And because [Grifters owner Jake] Bell was so, er, nice and bought all those tickets for the Carson Palmer Fan Club, Larry Johnson Legal Defense Fund, and pretty much everyone in a 200-mile radius who has or ever had the names Carson, Palmer, Larry, or Johnson in their family, so we thought we would make it, er, extra special." Looking around nervously, he added, "So please don't burn our town down."

Mayberry (the coach) then announced that Palmer and Johnson would indeed be playing as the stars of the show on Sunday, but that Palmer and Johnson would be wearing their Halloween costumes.

"It's always been my dream to look like Matt Ryan," said Palmer, wearing an incredibly lifelike Matt Ryan mask and Ryan's no. 9 jersey. I'm just glad that Carson --- I mean, I got the chance to see how much he --- I mean I still means to Mr. Bell.

Larry Johnson similarly presented himself in a Ricky Williams helmet with visor and Williams' no. 34 jersey. Although onlookers claimed that Johnson looked about eight inches shorter, Johnson denied any surgery. "I'm just having a laugh," said Johnson from behind a dark visor and covering up his mouth with a playbook. "Trick or treat! Er, fag?" Johnson then hastily made his way back to the locker room.

Mayberry (the coach) then announced the entire lineup for Sunday's game:

QB - Carson Palmer Dressed As Matt Ryan
RB - Larry Johnson Dressed As Ricky Williams
RB - Marion Barber
WR - Jerricho Cotchery
WR - Chris Henry
WR - Patrick Crayton
TE - Owen Daniels
K - Larry Tynes
D - Cowboys

Just in Case

2009-10-31T11:01:00.000-07:00

For Woolfs:

WR- Calvin Johnson (DNS Percy Harvin)